[Part 3 in this 3-part Series]

In my last 2 blogs, I have outlined a clear roadmap and template to help you be successful and reduce your stress when working with couples.  There are many approaches to couples therapy, so I’ve been sharing how the transformation from a good couples therapist to an exceptional couples therapist happens.  It involves both sound theory and good guidance.  I have done it myself, so I know it’s possible.  I’ve studied and integrated the Bader-Pearson model of couples therapy for nearly a decade, and transformed my skills as a couples therapist.  You can too!

In this third and final blog post in the series, I want to stress how the use of neuroscientific findings can help you both stay calm in tough situations and become a reliable means for getting more traction in your work.

How Neuroscience Helps Couples Therapy

According to John Gottman, couples wait about 6-7 years too long before coming for help. Many people wrongly assume they should be able to do it themselves – that ‘getting along’ should come naturally. Our popular culture reinforces this fairy tale.  When it gets hard, partners cycle in and out of painful interactions, too embarrassed or too embittered to ask for professional help.  Most couples will get their car fixed faster than their relationship.  I am hoping we can begin to change that culture.

Couples trigger each other in a unique way.  This is because the primary attachment relationship in adulthood stirs up and activates early attachment experiences.  I believe this is what Esther Perel is referring to when she says, “Tell me how you were loved as a child, and I will tell you how you love.”  If everything went well and we felt securely  cared for and valued by our parents, there is a high probability we will recreate that with a loving partner in adulthood.  But for too many couples, they are playing out the painful disappointment chronically encountered in early childhood abuse and/or neglect.

The Triune Brain

To understand how this takes place, it helps to know a little about the brain and nervous system.  Humans are born with automatic responses to potential threats called instincts, much the same as almost every other animal on the planet.  These reactions are most often known as the 3 F’s, or our fight/flight/freeze instincts.

Our brainstem is the oldest part of our brain, and can be thought of as the ‘reptilian’ brain. Our most basic and automatic functions for self-preservation reside here.  The ‘alarm’ that alerts us to danger fires the signal so rapidly that partners have already said and/or done harmful things, before they even know what has happened.  Think of what occurs when you poke an alligator with a stick – a lightning-speed response, invoking terror in anything nearby.  The survival strategy in this part of the brain to overwhelming threat is the freeze response.  This dorsal vagal response has the effect of leaving individuals vulnerable to repeated abuse and neglect, via their inability to self-activate.

The next major part of the brain, sitting above the brainstem, is the limbic system. This is also referred to as the ‘mammalian’ brain.  This is where the amygdala resides and where fear is stored.  This crucial part of the brain registers all painful experiences, both physical and emotional.  Since our brains are underdeveloped at birth, early experiences literally shape us.  When these have been difficult, our amygdales are on high alert, and are constantly triggered into a fight or flight response.

Understanding these two parts as the ‘survival’ brain, helps to explain partners reactivity to one another.  I will say more about that below.

The third part of the brain is the neocortex, found at the top and front of the head, is only found in humans and some primates.  This part of the brain, including the pre-frontal cortex, applies reason, logic, creativity, and problem-solving.  It manages impulses and is where relational circuits are formed.  This part of our brain allows us to assess a situation, strategize, and use ‘higher order’ reasoning to manage our fear. It also tells us about our place in the world, our intrinsic value vis-à-vis those around us.  When online, it helps us to thrive rather than just survive.  According to Stephen Porges, this is the top of the hierarchy in the nervous system, where we can stay ‘socially engaged’ even during stressful events, keeping us connected to others.

Couples Trigger Each Other’s Amygdala

This is where the trouble begins.  Once the bliss of symbiosis fades and the real challenges of creating a healthy, meaningful relationship set in, partners are hijacked by the emotional baggage stored in their limbic brains.  Some partners start fighting and others get increasingly more distant.  Both re-enact painful memories of early bonds with parents who were unwilling or unable to value and validate their basic worthiness.

How to Target Interventions to Calm the Amygdala

Helping couples understand how they get hijacked is critical.  It helps them understand that it is not their fault and that they are not deliberately trying to hurt one another.  They are just wired that way.  With our help, they can learn how to rewire, both autonomously and collaboratively.  Here are a few suggestions to get started:

Training to Integrate Neuroscience for Greater Effectiveness

This is just a small token of what can be accomplished using neuroscience in our work with couples.  The good news is that there are a host of interventions included in the Bader-Pearson training, that directly target these reactive states.  I am going to be sharing so much more during the upcoming training which starts January 13th, 2017.  Therapists who take the Bader-Pearson Developmental Model training have often studied other models as well. They find this training so helpful because they are integrating important components that were missing in other approaches.  New couples therapists report a confidence based on what they believe is the best in the field and are ready to take on this new area of expertise.  This training is only offered locally once per year, and the class is kept small for training purposes.  I will be letting you know how you can join the training at the end of the month, so be sure to watch for this offer.

In the meantime, I wish you a wonderful Holiday full of love and laughter.

Until next time,

If not, I’d like to share some tips with you today.  But first, let me tell you a little about my journey.

I used to think that my many years in practice seeing individuals had provided me with the tools for couples therapy, but I was wrong. I was a seasoned therapist, treating individuals with big problems – like addiction, early childhood abuse, neglect, or even war trauma.  Yet, if you put two people in a room with me who had ‘lost the love’ they once had together, I did not know how to manage the reactivity or move them towards a happier relationship.

Yet now I’m seeing couples, many of whom are on the brink of separation or divorce – with big problems like infidelity, active addiction or chronic hostility and I’m handling them with care, compassion and most importantly, confidence.  I went from being primarily an individual therapist, to seeing mostly couples. On top of that –  I have a full wait list of people who want to see if they can create something together that they are longing for.

So how did I get from not knowing anything to being so confident and having that translate into real change with couples – and a full practice?

The Road Map

Simply put – with sound theory and good guidance. I began learning the Bader-Pearson Developmental Model of couples therapy.  For nearly a decade now I have been studying and integrating this comprehensive road map to creating real and permanent change with couples. I love the approach so much that I’ve been training therapists in this Model for the last 5 years – and we’re building a community – a community of like-minded, exceptional couples therapists.

This roadmap is a framework for treatment that is composed of three equally important overlapping components.

1. The Stages of Couples Development and integration of attachment styles.
2. Differentiation as the key feature in creating a secure & lasting bond.
3. The practical use of the latest neuroscientific research to promote both autonomy and connectedness.

This expansive template will give you a clear way to assess your couple, and reduce the number of times you ask yourself: “What do I do now?” or, “Where is this couple stuck?”

It will reduce the anxiety you feel with difficult couples by recognizing, “I can handle this – I’m one step ahead.”

Stages of Couple Development

Today I’ll share the first aspect of this 3-part model – along with some tips on how to intervene with your couples. There are 6 Stages of Couples Development in the Bader-Pearson Model. I’m going to focus here on the first few stages as that is where most couples get stuck.

Symbiosis

The first stage of ‘falling love’ is commonly known as the honeymoon period, where partners focus on what they have in common and ignore or overlook things that irritate them. It’s a state of “temporary psychosis,” fuelled by internal ‘feel good’ neurochemicals.  It is an important stage in laying a strong foundation of love and bonding as a couple. This stage is known as ‘symbiosis’ because of the enmeshed nature of the two “I’s” forming a “we.” Symbiotic statements from partners include: “We love everything about each other” or “He completes me.”

Failed Differentiation

But this stage doesn’t last! Between the first and second year couples will move into the next stage – ‘differentiation.’ Many of the couples that come into therapy are stuck here and are unable to successfully differentiate. It’s a like a child who can crawl but is not able to get up and walk. It’s a painful place that many partners endure for many years. I’ve seen couples who have been married 30+ years and have never made it past the first stage. According to Bader-Pearson, it’s known as “the dark side of the honeymoon.”   By the time we see them in our offices, these couples will have well entrenched patterns of either fighting or avoiding that challenge even the best trained couples therapists.  At this stage partners will say: “If he really loved me, he’d give me what I want without me having to ask,” or “We have nothing in common so I don’t know why we’re together.”

Attachment Styles

To make matters worse, when a partner has an anxious-clingy insecure attachment, he will often put up with a lot of bad behaviour from his partner and collapse too easily rather than stand up for himself.  This helps him defend against the mounting anxiety at the thought of separation.  If a partner has an anxious-angry insecure attachment style, she will get mad at every little thing, especially when she wants nurturing.  If a partner has an avoidant insecure attachment style, he will not make the effort necessary to demonstrate the ongoing importance of their close bond and of feeling loved.  He will have no internal template for that.

Your Transformation 

These factors can feel like a tornado ripping through your office or like the tense calm before a big storm, if you are unprepared and lack the skills to manage and direct couples towards healthier interactions. That’s what I’m hoping I can help you with. I want you to be successful in your pursuits with couples. I want you to know exactly what to do to ease a lot of unwanted suffering for them and unnecessary anxiety for you –  and generate more income at the same time.

If I can do it, so can you!

A Mission of Love

Let’s face it, with the divorce rate hovering around 50%, I believe that whatever we can do to lessen unnecessary separations is a worthy pursuit. I personally want to do whatever I can to bring more love into people’s lives. It’s what we all want.  With effective couples interventions, I believe I’m leading a group of therapists who are changing the world, one couple at a time.  I hope you’ll join us one day. So many therapists that have trained in this model continue to meet in my advanced group year after year.  Many have been trained in other couple therapy models but say that something seemed to be missing. They have found that the Developmental Model, with its comprehensive scope, fills in the gaps and enhances their work considerably.

In my next blog I will explore the concept of differentiation, and how you can begin to push for it in your sessions with couples.  Then I will follow up with a 3^rd blog on how to integrate neuroscience into your work with couples.

I hope you have found this helpful and I will be back with part 2 in the next week.