SELF-LOVE: The Big Winner

I couldn’t be more thrilled with the overwhelming response to our 14 Days of Self-Love challenge this month.

We reached over 5,000 people with numerous likes, comments and shares.

Near the end of our campaign, Angie (social media wiz behind the campaign) noticed that Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love), who has an enormous following on Facebook, shared a post on this very topic, receiving over 15,000 likes. Clearly this is an issue of relevance in our society, and we are proud to have been able to contribute to this conversation and movement.

What we found the most meaningful was the personal impact our challenge had on the individuals in our community.

Below are a few comments that were shared through the campaign:

“Working on self-love is an on-going journey …at least for me. One day, a number of years ago I had the startling realization that the amount of love I had for myself wouldn’t fill a thimble. Whoa! Had to make a big U -turn in my thinking…and so glad I did. But couldn’t have done it without support from people like you and what you do”

“Reaching out to High school friends in India -ooh feels so great to be loved”

“Today I will ask a friend what she appreciates about me and I will change my screen saver to tell me something I like about myself”

Our hearts are full of love and we thank you so much for being a part of this.

In case you missed it, we have prepared a summary of the campaign below.

We also invite you to browse our Facebook page to join the conversation and read the comments and engagement each post received from our loving community.

Because we wanted to broaden our reach and encourage simultaneous participation, we chose to host our challenge via Facebook. That said, we received feedback that some of you would have preferred the daily prompts via email in addition to the Facebook posts. We have heard you and so in the future, we will give you the option to receive daily emails during our campaigns, making it easier for you to follow along.

At the Good Life Therapy Centre, we are committed to helping make the world a better place by encouraging all of us to become our higher selves in loving & meaningful ways. We are glad that you are a part of our mission.

If you haven’t already done so, share this with at least one friend so we can keep love flowing towards you and others. 

In the spirit of love,

During the month of February, we launched a 14 Day Self-Love Challenge!

We designed this challenge to encourage to take back the authority for your life and know that you can be as happy as you decide to be. It would take you paying attention to all the positive things about you, your desires and your environment. Doing this, the necessary force would be created to form a new neuropathway based on “I value me”. This is you reinforcing the new you.

We encouraged our community to follow along and join us on our Facebook page, with simple instructions: 

Every day post something that relates to the prompt. You can post a photo, a caption telling us what you did, or you can share the image we will be posting each day. Feel free to get creative! Just remember to use the hashtag and browse it often to stay connected!

As you begin to experiment with this challenge, do so with an attitude of “I can’t do anything wrong” – because no matter how much or how little you do, you have begun the very important journey towards loving yourself. Congratulations!!

Below is a summary of what we shared on Facebook every day of the challenge.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 1

It’s usually easy for us to acknowledge the good qualities in others, but when it comes to ourselves, we are often quick to criticize and notice our shortcomings more than anything else. Many years ago I was asked in a workshop to share something I liked about myself with the person beside me and I was panic-stricken – I couldn’t think of one thing!

When was the last time you noticed something you did well or that you liked about you?

Today’s challenge is to focus on positive self-talk and write down at least 3 of our best attributes. Throughout the day, make an effort to bring these attributes to your conscious awareness – allowing yourself to feel good about your good qualities.

Here are the 3 things I like most about myself: I’m generous, I’m smart and I’m caring.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 2

Today’s challenge is to share your favourite inspirational quote on the topic of self-love, self-esteem or anything that motivates you and makes you feel like you aspiring to live your best life.

Here is mine:

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world”.

– Mahatma Gandhi.

I love this quote because it reminds that I have to become the person I most want to be in order to make the world a better place.

4 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 3

If our tanks are running on empty, we are not able to be of service to anyone. Today’s challenge is to make self-care a priority and carve out at least 30 minutes to relax.

Choose something that works for you: reading a book, doing a meditation, going for a walk, taking a bath or a nap. There are no rules! There is nothing you can do wrong, provided it creates a sense of healthy relaxation.

I am going to take 30 minutes today to walk in nature.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 4

Today’s challenge is to practice being kind to ourselves all day. Kindness begins with what we say to ourselves – especially if we feel we’ve made a ‘mistake’ or disappointed someone.

Today we will not call ourselves ‘stupid’, ‘crazy’, ‘messed up’, etc. Instead, we’ll say the kind things we would likely say to a friend, like “It’s ok, everyone forgets sometimes”, or “You’re doing your level best, and that’s good enough”.

Kindness includes what we do for ourselves. Our 5 basic needs are: 1. to eat nutritious food when we are hungry; 2. to drink water when we are thirsty; 3. to sleep when we are tired, 4. to go to the bathroom when our bodies say it’s time (and not hold it); 5. to reach out for contact when we are lonely. These actions communicate basic self care.

Pay attention throughout your day to how well you attend to yourself.

Today I will stop being busy late at night and get to bed as soon as I feel tired.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 5

Staying connected with those we love is good for our health because our nervous systems are wired that way. We thrive when we know we are not alone!

Today’s challenge is to reach out to a friend/colleague or relative and reveal to them something you are proud of or alternatively, something you are struggling with.

Today I will tell my husband how great I feel about my successes in life.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 6

Having a regular gratitude practice has been proven to not only increase our happiness levels, but it also does wonders for our health. Because our brains have a “negativity bias”, we tend to pay too much attention to what is going wrong in our lives –real or imagined.

We spend too little time focused on what is going right – what we have rather than what we don’t have.

So, today’s challenge is to write down a list of five things we are grateful for.

Here is mine: 1. Good health; 2. A loving partner; 3. God; 4. Sobriety; 5. Beautiful friends.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 7

Today’s challenge is to do something that increases our confidence. Confidence is defined as: “belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities”. It could be taking time to exercise, a brand new haircut, making a fancy meal, dressing up to look your best, or doing something creative.

Sometimes what brings confidence is facing our fears and doing it anyway, trusting we can. I know that this is something I have done much of my life. It could mean going to a 12-step meeting for the first time, returning after a time away or trying a meeting you’ve never been to. It could mean joining a new group and speaking up about yourself, emphasizing some important qualities about you. It could mean applying for a job you really want.

Confidence builds when we decide to move towards our dreams and learn to tolerate some rejection.

Try something today, big or small, that makes you feel accomplished!

Today I will go for a long bike ride, or work out indoors for an hour as a way to feel physically strong. This will build my confidence as I value being healthy and strong.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 8

Another great mood booster is to practice kindness towards others on a regular basis. A single act of kindness -no matter how small- not only makes us feel good, but it also causes a positive ripple effect encouraging others to pay it forward.

Today’s challenge is to do a random act of kindness for a stranger. It can be done anonymously. You can buy a cup of coffee for the person behind you on the line, fill up someone’s parking meter, leave a kind note on someone’s desk.

Feel free to have fun with it!

Today I will buy food for a homeless person and spend time talking with him/her.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 9

It is often difficult for us to accept the positive feedback of others because it doesn’t match our view of ourselves. However, learning to think differently and more favourably about ourselves can be facilitated when we allow others’ good opinions to really sink in.

Ask a friend/colleague or family member if they could tell you something they appreciate about you. You can do this in person or over the phone. Try to avoid email or texts, if possible, as these ways of communicating are too impersonal and diminish the effect for you.

In addition, write down one thing you appreciate about yourself, big or small, and carry that around with you, referring to it often as a way to remind yourself of your good qualities. Try to sense into what happens when you allow yourself to connect internally with the sensations of appreciation.

Today I will ask my peer mentoring group to let me know what they appreciate about me. I will also appreciate that I am hard working and dedicated to making a difference in the world. I will write this on a card and carry it around all day.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 10

Today’s challenge is to ‘add value’ to your self by recognizing your worth, merit and importance. This builds on appreciation and takes it a step deeper. [As a coincidental note, when I opened my ‘dictionary’ app to look up the word “value”, the word of the day was “nugatory”, which means “of no real value; trifling; worthless.”] And how true for so many of us, who may never have used that word, but felt it through and through.

Today, we are going to focus on challenging any sense of ‘worthlessness’ that we may be carrying. We are going to feel our very presence as ‘adding value’ to the world.

Pick one thing you will say or do today that will remind you to re-orientate your focus on your value. You can help someone to cross the street; visit someone who is shut-in; smile at someone who looks sad; talk to someone who looks lonely; take an SPCA animal for a walk. It doesn’t matter what it is – it’s that you are demonstrating you care and that you matter. By doing this you are recognizing your inherent VALUE as a human being, who was granted the gift of life.

Today I will make an effort to smile at everyone I pass on the street. Smiling is infectious – and it is not possible to feel down when we are smiling. It’s simple and effective!

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 11

Prioritizing fun does wonders for our happiness and health. We mean it! This may sound simple, but if you have grown up in an unsafe or un-nurturing family environment, you may have needed to grow up fast, becoming a mini-adult to struggling parents.

This is damaging to our self esteem because children’s “work” is to play. Play develops creativity and promotes healthy whole brain development. If we are too serious about life, we forfeit our healthy capacity for silliness and belly-laughter.

Today’s challenge is to make space to play and do something fun. Your endorphins and heart will thank you! Remember, it’s just for one day – and who knows, you may like it.

Today, I will make time to go swimming with my grandson. I will play in the pool like I am one of the kids, leaving behind any tasks or worries, in order to be present in enjoyment.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE, DAY 12 – MEDITATION

Neuroscience is helping us understand the immense benefits of regular, even short amounts, of meditation. It changes our brain to literally make us more present, calmer and more confident.

Today’s challenge is to practice a short meditation in order to feel yourself as love. Sit somewhere where you can focus and be free from distractions. Take some deep breaths and let yourself feel fully connected inside of you.

Imagine that all of your cells are being filled with love – pouring in from a Universal flow that is ever-present. Give this energy a colour – it could be a bluish white, a rose colour or any colour that fits for you. Recognize that as you connect with yourself in this way that you are Love. Feel the presence of love within you – it’s for you and from you. Let all the distractions in your mind go and enjoy ‘being’ with Love.

Today, I will take time in the morning to do a ‘loving’ meditation, feeling myself filled with love that I can direct towards myself and towards others. I will do this again at the end of my work day, to prepare me for my evening.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 13

Exercise and movement release endorphins, improve our circulation and our mood! Treat your heart and body by going for a walk, attending a fitness class, doing yoga, or anything that makes your body feel energized and engaged!

Today, I will do Sun Salutations to stretch and strengthen my entire body.

14 DAYS OF SELF-LOVE – DAY 14

Happy Valentine’s! Thank you for following along for the past 14 days!

Today’s final challenge is fitting for the day: plan and attend an amazing date – with yourself!

Take yourself out to a nice restaurant, go look at art in one of the many great art galleries in town, go for a walk by the beach. It doesn’t have to cost money to “treat” yourself. You are putting the icing on the cake, so to speak, for your efforts over the last 14 days and communicating “I love you” internally. Great job!!

Today, I will go for a quiet lunch at one of my favourite places.

Thank you for being a part of this. We look forward to have you join us on our next challenge!

Photo credits: The Elephant Journal, HerCampus.com

I believe there is a universal desire in all of us to love and be loved.  We want to be connected to others who see us as good people, who care for us and enjoy our company. We long to feel this way about ourselves – comfortable in our own skin, worthy of such love. Yet, for many people, loneliness and self-loathing are constant companions.  Why is this?

Self-love is a by-product of how we were loved early on.  Our early attachment bonds with parents and close others created an internalized opinion of our worthiness for love. Love grows from the inside out, if the conditions are loving. If not watered, given sunlight and nourishment, the seeds of self-love become seeds of self-hatred. This happens before we even have words to describe it.  For this reason, when we begin healing early relational wounds, it involves less talking, and more ‘feeling’ ourselves into a new way of being.

Let me explain further.  I often share the fact that both of my parents went through WWII in Europe.  Both were suffering from post traumatic stress, although it hadn’t been discovered yet, and neither of them were aware of it.  Instead, they just acted out their pain – on each other and on their kids.  My parents acted as if they hated each other, and that hatred permeated the atmosphere of our home. 

As a child, when I didn’t get attention, affection or recognition, I interpreted it in the only way a young child can – I thought I was bad (hated).  Because of that, I began hating myself.  I grew up hyper-critical of myself and believing that I was not worthy of love.  That was despite a whole lot of evidence to the contrary – my own strengths and gifts and the loving moments given by others. This negative belief took over the landscape of my perception and I could not see the beauty within me or around me.  It fuelled my desire to escape through abusing drugs and alcohol and it blocked my ability to think well enough of myself to go after my dreams.

As a therapist who has healed, for the most part, from self-hatred, I have spent the past 25 years helping others who feel the same.  In fact, I have come to understand that this anger and hatred turned onto ourselves is THE single biggest barrier to having a happy, healthy and meaningful life. While most people have very little trouble being kind, loving or forgiving of others, they struggle to be this way with themselves.

Neuroscience has impacted the psychotherapy field in a huge way over the past 10 years.  We are just beginning to understand scientifically what the enlightened sages and wise yogis have been teaching for millenniums. Recognizing ourselves as whole and holy beings with inborn gifts and talents is the Truthful search.  This is important because what we focus on is what we become. 

When we put our mental and emotional energy on our negative qualities – real or imagined – we reinforce these qualities over and over.  We strengthen the neuropathway of “I’m no good”. We don’t notice or pay attention to the positive things in and around us.  What the great minds in neuroscience are also showing us, is that we can change this – but it takes work.

This negativity – partly built into our brains for survival (watching out for the saber-tooth or any other danger to keep ourselves safe), and partly from the loving attention that was missed in early life – is now in our hands to change.  We can’t go back in time and get it from those we wanted it from originally.  We can’t sit in resentment without staying bitter.  We can’t be a ‘victim’ anymore without feeling hopeless.  No, if we are to change our neuropathways, we must assert our authority and take responsibility for a more loving inner life.  No one can do it for us. Happiness is a state of mind – so it must come from with-in, not with-out.

This 14-day self-love challenge is designed to encourage to take back the authority for your life and know that you can be as happy as you decide to be.  It will take you paying attention to all the positive things about you, your desires and your environment.  As you do this, it will create the force necessary to form a new neuropathway based on “I value me”.  This is you reinforcing the new you.

Follow along and join the challenge with these simple non-rule instructions:

1. Head over to our Facebook page and Like so you can follow along and join. We will be sharing our prompts for each day through our page.
2. Save the photo below on your computer or phone (right click on the image and select save image as) so you can prepare for each prompt for the next 14 days.
3. Feel free to share the challenge and each daily prompt on Facebook and/or your blog!
4. You can participate for 1 or 2 days or spend all 14 days with us celebrating self-love. There are no minimum participation requirements. This is meant to inspire those around us to share positivity and to cultivate unconditional self-love.
5. Be sure to use the hashtag #14daysofselflove2016 in all your Facebook posts so we can find and cheer each other on during this challenge.
6. Finally, every day post something that relates to the prompt. You can post a photo, a caption telling us what you did, or you can share the image we will be posting each day. Feel free to get creative! Just remember to use the hashtag and browse it often to stay connected!

As you begin to experiment with this challenge, do so with an attitude of “I can’t do anything wrong” – because no matter how much or how little you do, you have begun the very important journey towards loving yourself. Congratulations!!

I look forward to hearing from you,

Even though I’ve been back from India for several weeks now, as I promised, here is a follow up of my short, but intensely beautiful trip. As part of this, I’d like to share with you my personal journey of transformation…

MY BIAS ABOUT INDIA

If you had asked me 8 years ago if I ever wanted to go to India, here’s what I would have said: “India, why would I go there?  All I see is Mother Teresa with those poor lepers – it’s awful, I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to go there, let alone me.  No, I’m not interested at all.  It’s far too heartbreaking a place and what can any of us really do to make it better?”  All I could see was the poverty, the pain and the struggle of so many people with seemingly no way out.

MY TRANSFORMATION ON INDIA

By the time you are finished reading this, I trust you will have a clear idea on how my attitude was completely changed on India. In doing so, I want to inspire you, in some small way, to push past some preconceived idea you may have on any issue. Preconceived ideas and “contempt prior to investigation” are attitudes that keep us limited in life – they shut us down from experiencing all that is waiting for us.  I hope this becomes clear as I share with you my new love for India in general, and the experiences I’ve had specifically that keep me going back, over and over again. I just returned from my 7^th visit in as many years.

Guruji under the Banyan tree

The first thing that happened was that I met my spiritual advisor or “Guru” as they say in the East, in September 2008 – [7 years ago].  They say that “when the student is ready, the Teacher appears.”  That is exactly what happened to me. He is a realized Master who has founded an Ashram in Allahabad, India which is both a spiritual refuge and a research centre.  I was drawn to him in a way that can’t be explained logically.  This pull has a full body, existential, possibly past life quality to it that is equivalent in strength and manner to the attraction of iron filings to a magnet.  It’s not something I have to think about, and while everything I do in my life I consider to be a choice, this is one I cannot resist.

Happy cow

After that first meeting, my life began to transform and a few months later I decided I must go to India. This was in January 2009. As soon as I landed and got out onto the streets, I loved it. The first thing that really struck me was the sight of the beautiful, placid cows who lived freely without fear – of being run over or mistreated in any way.  Wow, how amazing – the fact that animals were not put behind fences or in cages – they simply roamed around freely. – and it was not just cows, but pigs, goats, sheep and yes, elephants. It appeared to me that animals and humans were co-habiting peacefully, maybe because the majority of Indians are vegetarian and do not see animals as their next meal! Maybe because the majority of people practice some form of worship, so they have more love readily available. Whatever the reason, I simply adored the concept and practice.

The second thing that was astonishing about India was the sheer intensity of the traffic.  There is every type of vehicle on the road, from huge trucks, to cars, to bicycles, to rickshaws and yes, elephants. There are also hundreds of people, dressed in the most fabulous colours, trying to get from one side of the road to the other. They weave their way across the mayhem and somehow, miraculously, do not get run over. There are very few, if any, traffic lights and I couldn’t recognize any typical rules of the road that anyone was following.

Vehicles would head towards each other and at the very last second, veer off, missing each other by a matter mere millimeters.  We even drove the wrong way down a multi-lane one-way highway for a short time, so we could get to an opening in the median and cross over to the other side.  This is apparently acceptable in India. It was very terrifying as this is not something that would happen in North America without a huge collision occurring. (I’m used to it now, so it no longer scares me).

But the most amazing thing about all of this, for the psychotherapist in me, is that there is no road rage – despite the congestion, the lack of rules, no traffic lights, animals all over the road, people moving to and fro – drivers take it all in stride. I have interviewed many of them, and while they admit to how stressful it is, they do not take that out on one another.  Instead, what I more commonly see, is patience, tolerance and a yielding to one another – an understanding that ‘we are all in this together’ and an acceptance of life as it is.

MY RECENT TRIP

The trip I just returned from was very special, in many ways.  I’ve never been in India in October because I usually go in January, when the large Mela festival takes place on the banks of the Sacred Ganges River. This is a short walking distance from the Ashram I stay at.  At the time of the Mela, the Ashram is crowded with attendees from all over the world.  The Ashram residents and the family of my Guru are usually extremely busy cooking, attending to formalities, meeting with guests and helping those in need.

Sunday morning social after practice

I consider the permanent residents at the Ashram as my family now – all of the monks and devotees who have committed their lives to the spiritual path.  I love hanging out with these people – they are really smart, extremely positive and push themselves to be exceptional in the most important way.  We have a lot of fun together and yet we take our life and commitment very seriously.  In October, it was a quiet time, there were few foreigners and so we had a lot of time to be together – having coffee, sharing stories and practicing.

THE SACRED

Our daily meditation began with a stranding-recharging practice at 6:30 a.m. under the Banyan tree. The Banyan tree is unlike any tree I’ve ever seen.

Morning practice under the Banyan tree

The branches grow outward and then reach down and attach to the ground, where a new tree sprouts up. This particular tree has immense spiritual importance.  In 1894, the most revered Babaji, a God-like Being said to be ageless and committed to helping the human race evolve spiritually, sat under this tree with his followers.  He was there to meet a Swami named Shree Yukteswar and request that he write a book comparing Eastern and Western religions. This was to show the world that these two religions were saying the same thing.  The book is called “The Holy Science”.

Ancient Temple

Coming out from the meditation cave

Across from this sacred tree there is an ancient Temple that was built over 100 years ago and dedicated to Swami Shree Yukteswar. Despite the fact the Kriyayoga Ashram and Research Institute property surrounded this Temple, its ownership was under constant dispute in the courts (something quite typical in India where squatter rights still exist).  Recently, the Ashram purchased the Temple lands and so I was able to meditate in this area. It was really something.  There is an underground cave and many other structures built for serious meditators to hide away undisturbed.  The vibration in the area is beautifully intense. I came away with a deep sense of gratitude, beyondanything one can express in words, that I had the good fortune to be connected to this rich history in India.

RECONCILIATION

When I looked at India in the past, I had great disdain and aversion to what I believed India was.  I could not see beyond my limited perspective. It does not mean that poverty and corruption don’t exist in India.  It exists in spades – but it does everywhere. And it needs to be addressed and attended to, not feared.

More importantly, there is so much more to this great country that I could not even fathom before. I never saw the beauty and there is so much beauty – the color & design of the clothing, the artwork – marble carvings, gems and jewelry.  There is the love of all creatures, who are allowed to live in harmony with people. There is the spiritual resonance of a Land that has, forever in time, provided us with some of the most enlightened people the world has ever known.

GIVE US YOUR THOUGHTS

So, ask yourself – is there something that I have a closed mind about?  Am I willing to take the risk of exploring what else I could know on this subject?  Perhaps, you’ve had this happen to you and know it first-hand.  Please share your thoughts.  I’d love to hear them.

All the best,