One thought on “Celebrating Fathers with Feelings”
Hi Sue,
Thank you for your article/blog on males and the emotional arena. Despite the recent research there is a long way to go. I am among subgroup of males who is able to articulate my inner emotional world fairly well, if not always easily. I also belong to subgroup (about 20%) of the population, who are called Highly Sensitive Persons, according to Elaine Aron, a psychologist who has done research on this area for over 20 years. The technical term is: sensory processing sensitivity; it means that HPS individuals process sensory stimuli at a deeper level than the rest of the population. So as a male who was socialized in North America and also has some understanding how detrimental this has been to males, and how we live in society that asks us to be more attuned etc. The problem still is, in my experience, that women (men of course usually don’t want to talk to each other about this stuff) often don’t want to know about, or hear about men’s emotional experiences in real time. I remember sitting with a group of female therapists several years ago, colleagues with whom I attended a consultation group together. One of the women was talking about her own experience in a relationship with a male. She stated that one of the biggest turn offs was males expressing “neediness”, which, by the way wasn’t defined, eliciting agreement from the other females present. I remember thinking, “Where does a male go to find safety when he feels needy?” Certainly not to his male peers, and friends — at least not in my experience, and also not to his closest female relationship, apparently. I’ve had similar experiences over the years. This is a mind fuck. Females want men to express their emotions, but at the same time don’t want to know about certain emotional experiences. So, what I do is keep my thoughts to myself, often, because along with the illustrations I’ve just provided, I’ve been shot down by my own partner many, many times when I express my needs and yes neediness, and also by male friends.
Another example: I retired January 1 this year, after a 2.5 year medical leave, as you know. The team I led for 5 years and had been a clinician on for the previous five years before becoming the Clinical Coordinator didn’t acknowledge my retirement with anything — no card, retirement event, nothing — silence. Neither did my manager do anything. So let’s just say I was hurt. I realized at some point that what hurt the most was being rendered invisible, like my 10 years of service to this team meant nothing. I read somewhere that those who have experienced trauma often feel invisible . So a few months ago I was talking to a male friend about this. His response? “What do you expect?…you expect the workplace to acknowledge you? (yes I do) … you’ve go to move on…” Interpretation: suck it up, stuff your emotions and forget about the event. The usual.
A variety of mens movements have sprung up, beginning in the 90s, but haven’t really made much impact that I can see. Men need to find a way to be together without some activity to draw them — sports, anyone? Robert Bly’s drumming doesn’t seem to have appealed to primal needs of a lot men either.
I applaud you for addressing this issue, but we have a very, very long way to go. The feminist movement has made huge changes to our culture over the past 50 plus years. However, there is no place intellectually or experientially for men to go to explore what in means to be a man in a post-patriarchal culture, which we have achieved to a very large extent (although there are a few pockets of resistance left).
Hi Sue,
Thank you for your article/blog on males and the emotional arena. Despite the recent research there is a long way to go. I am among subgroup of males who is able to articulate my inner emotional world fairly well, if not always easily. I also belong to subgroup (about 20%) of the population, who are called Highly Sensitive Persons, according to Elaine Aron, a psychologist who has done research on this area for over 20 years. The technical term is: sensory processing sensitivity; it means that HPS individuals process sensory stimuli at a deeper level than the rest of the population. So as a male who was socialized in North America and also has some understanding how detrimental this has been to males, and how we live in society that asks us to be more attuned etc. The problem still is, in my experience, that women (men of course usually don’t want to talk to each other about this stuff) often don’t want to know about, or hear about men’s emotional experiences in real time. I remember sitting with a group of female therapists several years ago, colleagues with whom I attended a consultation group together. One of the women was talking about her own experience in a relationship with a male. She stated that one of the biggest turn offs was males expressing “neediness”, which, by the way wasn’t defined, eliciting agreement from the other females present. I remember thinking, “Where does a male go to find safety when he feels needy?” Certainly not to his male peers, and friends — at least not in my experience, and also not to his closest female relationship, apparently. I’ve had similar experiences over the years. This is a mind fuck. Females want men to express their emotions, but at the same time don’t want to know about certain emotional experiences. So, what I do is keep my thoughts to myself, often, because along with the illustrations I’ve just provided, I’ve been shot down by my own partner many, many times when I express my needs and yes neediness, and also by male friends.
Another example: I retired January 1 this year, after a 2.5 year medical leave, as you know. The team I led for 5 years and had been a clinician on for the previous five years before becoming the Clinical Coordinator didn’t acknowledge my retirement with anything — no card, retirement event, nothing — silence. Neither did my manager do anything. So let’s just say I was hurt. I realized at some point that what hurt the most was being rendered invisible, like my 10 years of service to this team meant nothing. I read somewhere that those who have experienced trauma often feel invisible . So a few months ago I was talking to a male friend about this. His response? “What do you expect?…you expect the workplace to acknowledge you? (yes I do) … you’ve go to move on…” Interpretation: suck it up, stuff your emotions and forget about the event. The usual.
A variety of mens movements have sprung up, beginning in the 90s, but haven’t really made much impact that I can see. Men need to find a way to be together without some activity to draw them — sports, anyone? Robert Bly’s drumming doesn’t seem to have appealed to primal needs of a lot men either.
I applaud you for addressing this issue, but we have a very, very long way to go. The feminist movement has made huge changes to our culture over the past 50 plus years. However, there is no place intellectually or experientially for men to go to explore what in means to be a man in a post-patriarchal culture, which we have achieved to a very large extent (although there are a few pockets of resistance left).