Kate: “Do you feel I’m giving as much as you are in this relationship?” (This shifts her from self-centeredness to other awareness)
After some silence and tension –
John: “No, not really.”
Another long & tense silence. Kate is struggling with her emotions. I wait to see if she can utilize the tension to move forward with her task. Instead, she says, “I need to go to the washroom,” and quickly leaves the room.
John: “Sometimes I think you are off in la-la land Sue.” He is back-pedaling away from the enormous anxiety he is feeling, attempting to undo what he said out loud to her and wanting to blame me for it.
Kate returned. I address the tension that is palpable and point out how it results in John collapsing rather than speaking up more. He goes on to explain why he was afraid to speak up.
John: “I’m afraid you’ll blow up – you’ll snap and go to ‘all or nothing’.”
Kate gets silent and the tension begins to mount again.
Sue: “Can you tell her what the worst thing is that you imagine can happen if you do speak up?” (Pushing his self-differentiation by revealing more to her rather than keeping it to himself)
John: “Yea – that’s she’ll drink.”
Sue: “Did you know that he still had that fear?”
Kate: “No, I had no idea.” (Takes it personal; gets sulky) “What more do I have to do to convince you that I’m not going to drink.”
John: “Nothing – this is not about you, this is my stuff.”
I remind her that she can listen to understand without taking it personal. I suggest to her,
Sue: “See what happens when you adopt an attitude of being curious rather than furious.”
Kate: “Do you think if you speak honestly and I get upset that I’ll have no other recourse but to drink.” (Demonstrating a new interest in what he is thinking and believing)
John: “Yes, sometimes.”
Kate: “Has that kept you from telling me how you feel in our relationship?” (Beautiful deepening of curiosity about his worry – she is staying with him)
John: “On some level…”
Kate: “Can you think of an example of what you have held back?” (An impressive ability to ask very good questions that keep them focused on his issue and his internal experience)
A long silence as he contemplates whether he can say anything and what feels safe.
J: “Like when we bought the dining room suite – I didn’t feel comfortable saying anything.”
She begins to escalate into a flooded emotional state, so I step in to calm & coach her, suggesting the following:
K: “What would you have said if you felt you could have?”
J: “That I thought it was too much money but then I think I’m holding you back, it’s what you wanted at the time.”
Sue: “Kate, if this feels right to you and find your own words, can you ask him,
“If you knew that I would manage my reactions better and not blow up would you speak up more about what you want?”
J: “Yes, but I also don’t like the way I sometimes speak to you. I want to communicate in a more mature and respectful way.”
Sue: “That’s great. You speaking up in a way that is consistent with the kind of partner you aspire to be will help both of you be more open and honest and will move you towards knowing and trusting yourselves and each other more. Good work.”
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