Stay focused on Self Love this Valentine’s Day!

Posted on February 14, 2018 by goodlife

Stay focused on Self Love this Valentine’s Day.

That way, if you don’t have a significant other, you can still enjoy the day because of the love you show to yourself. If someone else shows you love – that’s a bonus.

Here are a few tips to help you get started or keep going.

Connect – Staying connected with those we love is good for our health because our nervous systems are wired that way. We thrive when we know we are not alone!

Appreciate – When was the last time you noticed something you did well or that you liked about you? Indulge in positive self-talk. Be grateful for all you have, your strengths and joys! Appreciate and be kind to yourself and those around you.

Have Fun! – Prioritizing fun does wonders for our happiness and health. We mean it! Time to reschedule.

Meditate – Carve out at least 30 minutes to relax. Choose something that works for you: reading a book, doing a meditation, going for a walk, taking a bath or a nap. There are no rules!

Build Confidence – Believe in your power and abilities! Try something today, big or small, that makes you feel accomplished! It could be a brand new haircut, making a fancy meal, dressing up to look your best, or doing anything creative.

Date! – Plan and attend an amazing date – with yourself or a significant other. Take yourself out to a nice restaurant, go look at art in one of the many great art galleries in town, go for a walk by the beach. It doesn’t have to cost money to “treat” yourself. Putting the icing on the cake of Self Love today.

Here’s wishing you a very happy and healthy Valentine’s Day!

What Most Therapists Don’t Know

Posted on January 27, 2018 by goodlife

Get Couples Therapy on Track and Moving: What most Therapists Don’t Know

I love working with high distressed couples because it challenges me as a therapist to grow and learn. I’m not saying it’s easy – it’s anything but. A lot of therapists flat out refuse to do it. But, the rewards are immense when you know where to put your focus – to be a good leader while keeping couples focused on their developmental growth edges.

I recently had the wonderful privilege of spending time with my mentors, Dr.’s Ellyn Bader & Pete Pearson. In one of our clinical training sessions, Dr. Pete helped us understand why so many therapists like me and you, get stalled with couples who are entrenched in patterns of conflict avoidance or hostile angry clashes.

Trying to solve their problems is quite simply, putting the cart before the horse. It will never end in real and permanent change in their attachment system, nor their level of differentiation. Instead, there are two important shifts you must make to increase your effectiveness.

1. Teach them about the ‘primitive brain’ and how important it is for them to take responsibility to regulate it under stress.

Neuroscience is rapidly inserting itself into the field of psychotherapy. We now know that the fight/flight/freeze instinct hijacks relationships. It interprets a partner’s behavior as a threat to survival, demanding self-protection rather than openness and connection.

We all bring our baggage to our marriages. We might not open the bags right away, but eventually, we will begin to repeat, reenact and re-traumatize with seemingly no awareness of why. The sad reality is that couples will let this go on for years, seeking therapy only after a well-entrenched destructive pattern is leading them to the brink of divorce.

Helping each partner understand their “triggers” is a first step. By learning to calm the distress within themselves, they can begin to untangle their past “memory” of threat from their current reality. They can free up energy in the thinking, decision-making parts of their brain, to help them interrupt negative knee-jerk responses.

2. Show them how to keep their eyes and their behavior forward focused.

Creating safety in a relationship allows each partner to risk being vulnerable. Safety comes when each person is accountable for how they aspire to be, especially under stress. This takes ongoing effort, something that many therapists fail to impart to couples. If you feel at times that you are working harder than your couples, then that’s a red flag that you have gotten off track.

Avoid the retelling of the horrible ways they treat one another. That wastes valuable time looking backwards, that you could spend having them rehearse being a better version of themselves.

The forward focus is about getting each person to define and commit to their “ideal self” as a partner. Having them practice being that way in your office allows them to transfer this ability to stressful situations that arise in their lives.

With your consistent help, partners will integrate these two skills, making your job easier and more enjoyable. More importantly, couples experience warmth, love and connection with one another, which is what they are longing for.

All the best,

P.S. If you would like to learn more about how to apply these and other developmental approaches to couples therapy, consider joining my Bader-Pearson Developmental Model of Couples Therapy Level 1 training class beginning January 29, 2018. I would love to meet and work with you. To find out more, click here.

Can you receive as well as you can give?

Posted on December 23, 2017 by goodlife

The Holiday Spirit

Most of the attention this time of year is on giving – I get it.

It’s the time for many of us to express our love and appreciation for others by giving gifts to those close to our hearts. It’s also become a time of awareness towards those less fortunate than ourselves and knowing that our giving makes a real difference in their lives.

While I don’t want to take away from the importance and centrality of giving as the spirit behind these holidays, at the same time I want to make the case for the importance of receiving.

Receiving other peoples’ generosity can be difficult. If you are anything like me, it doesn’t come naturally. I have worked with and have known many people who struggle with this.

The Power Behind Giving

It’s easy to give for most of us. It fills us up inside when we are generous. We feel powerful to know that we are seen as ‘good people’. We feel in control of our lives – deciding what to give, to whom and how. We cherish how others react to our gifts, reinforcing that we are loved, appreciated and valued through what we give.

The Vulnerability of Receiving

Receiving, though asks something totally different from us. Receiving involves no control. We don’t get a say in what we get, how much is spent (in $ or time) or how it is given. We don’t get to be powerful. We can’t know in advance and prepare for it. No, our sole responsibility is to accept graciously what is being offered.

To receive fully is to be vulnerable. It is a softening of our edges. It is a test of our worthiness.

Lessons on Receiving

Recently, I spent time in India where I had a chance to see how I still struggle with receiving. I visited a friend who owned a dress shop and after I picked out some (expensive) fabric to have a couple of suits made, she refused to take any money from me at all.

I objected: “Please let me pay for at least one of them?” But she was adamant – unmoveable. I had no choice but to graciously accept her generosity. It was uncomfortable.

Challenging Old Beliefs

There is an old message in the back of my head that says I should be sure. I never owe anyone anything. It may mean trouble. So, while I can often feel ok about my friends and family doing things for me, I also know that with them, I will reciprocate, and that means that the scales will be even.

With my friend in India – the scales were unbalanced in her favour. I had nothing I could ‘give back’ to even the score. That’s what made it so unnerving for me. I had to sit with my discomfort and challenge the old belief that I was in danger of judgement, ridicule or scorn. It was a powerful opportunity for me that repeated itself throughout my stay there.

Observe & Deserve

This holiday season I ask you to join me in observing how you are receiving. Are there times it feels ok and other times it doesn’t?

Does it feel selfish to want or to get?

Do you place more value on giving rather than receiving? If so, challenge yourself to understand why.

Do you feel you are enough – just being you? Can you fully deserve everything you receive?

The Spirit(uality) of Receiving

There is no wrong way to answer any of these questions. The important thing is your own self-awareness.

When we receive well, we allow others to practice generosity – and that is always a good thing. Our inability to receive fully limits the flow of abundance in our lives. On the other hand, when we receive well, we invite abundance and affirm it as the reality in our lives.

When we uncover, discover and discard the old messages that limit our happiness, well-being and worthiness, we begin to create a new truth.

I hope this will be your truth throughout the holiday season and that you will get a chance to share how you practise ‘receiving’ in the comments below.

Wishing you all the best,

P.S. – Remember, the greatest gift you can receive is self-acceptance & love. Take time this holiday to do the things that bring you peace of mind and a sense of joy. You deserve it.