With the upcoming holiday season around the corner, I thought it might be helpful to share a few thoughts around spending habits and our relationship to money. Christmas is a time of year when many of us can feel pressured to provide and ‘prove’ our worth in a strictly material way. Don’t get me wrong – there is absolutely nothing wrong with giving. In fact, I feel that it is an inherent part of our well-being. The act of both giving and receiving connects us to one another in a deep and meaningful way. However, it is important that we know both when and how to give, and that we are aware of our motives behind our giving. While there are so many ways that we can give – our time, our concern, our understanding – during the holiday season we often link our giving to a tangible gift. When sorting out healthy from unhealthy giving, you may wonder: Am I giving as a true expression of my carin g or out of obligation? Am I giving to impress someone so they will think more of me? Can I afford this gift or will it create financial strain in my life? Do I believe the value of the gift equals the amount of love I have for that person?

These important questions can help us understand our spending at a deeper level. When examining your spending habits, I believe it is important to reflect on what you learned growing up. Did your family celebrate birthdays and holidays by lavishing expensive gifts on others? Or were there scarce resources – both emotionally and financially – that meant that special occasions went unnoticed? Or was your family practical, spending within their means and providing the more important gifts of love and positive regard throughout the year. What we learn early on can set in motion powerful patterns in our lives that continue to unconsciously replay themselves. I know that when I was growing up there was a lot of competition for scarce emotional and financial resources. My mother lived on credit and spending was undoubtedly a way that she could make herself feel better. It seemed every time we turned around she w as buying more furniture! To her things represented status – it was important to “look good” in order to “feel good”. For much of my adult life it was ‘normal’ for me to be living on credit. When I didn’t have enough money to buy what I wanted, I would borrow it – from the bank, from family or friends. While it was extremely stressful, it was the only template I had for managing my money (or more accurately – other’s money). The way we relate to money can tell us a lot about our values, priorities and our sense of security.

Julia Cameron & Mark Bryan’s book “Money Drunk, Money Sober: 90 Days to Financial Freedom” is a great resource for anyone wanting to learn more about their money patterns and how to grow toward financial solvency. They state that for alcoholics and addicts, money is often the last frontier of change and I’d like to share in this newsletter some of the knowledge they provide. When we are out of balance with our spending or our relationship to money, we can be “money drunk”. In other words, we use money, much like we would use alcohol or drugs or the internet, to soothe our uncomfortable feelings. Just as there are many types of alcoholic drinking patterns, there are different spending patterns.

The Compulsive Spender

“When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping” is an expression that fits this type of spender. Under stress, shopping relieves anxiety and provides a temporary ‘high’ in the form of new things. According to Cameron & Bryan, more than any other form of money addiction, the need for compulsive spending is easily viewed as an attempt to block feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. It is also a way to avoid feeling ashamed. If I can buy something when I want it, rather than feel powerless, I can feel powerful; rather than feel less-than I can feel better-than. I can feel more beautiful, sophisticated and ‘cool’. I can walk away – for the moment – from any discomfort arising inside me that indicates ‘I’m not good enough, smart enough or rich enough’. Many compulsive spenders are more comfortable with crisis management, finding the calm of ordinary life “boring”. Unfortunately, the lie that the credit card debt – on all the cards – ‘is no big deal’ continues to fuel an inner state of stress that takes its toll on individual health and well-being. All addiction is fueled by a lie. It is only when we are able and willing to face the truth that we can find a way out. In order for compulsive spenders to recover they must begin to make the emotional links to their spending and commit to healing uncomfortable states rather than medicating through buying.

• Do you impulsively buy things you don’t need or can’t afford?
• Do you shop to alter your moods?
• Do you play credit card roulette, filling up one and then moving on to another?
• Do you worry more about having money to spend than how to make it?

If so, you may be a compulsive spender.

The Big Deal Chaser

Just as the drink is the solution for the alcoholic’s problems, The Big Deal Chaser believes that “this is the one” that’s going to make them rich and famous. This is a person driven by grandiosity, unable to see the wreckage they are creating in the futile attempt to “win big”. The motive underlying their desperation is the lie that they can avoid the normal experiences of emotional discomfort and insecurity. Cameron & Bryan believe it is one of the most difficult belief systems to change. It looks like ambition, but is often an addiction to revenge: “I’ll show them”.

Most Big Deal Chasers have a “magic number” – the amount that they need to make everything alright. It becomes their ‘obsession’. Needless to say, our society encourages money addiction – from government run casinos to lotto commercials about the lavish lifestyle awaiting you should you be the next winner.

There is also another, more subtle deal chaser – the workaholic. Working longer and longer hours, at the expense of family and friends; refusing to take vacations because they “can’t afford it” and generally fuelling all of their resources into their job, these money drunks hope that one day the pay off will be love and recognition. The problem is that self esteem cannot be garnered from external sources and most people I’ve know that have attempted this, cannot take in the positive strokes they receive because deep down inside they don’t believe it. In recovery, the ‘ waiting ‘ to get happiness from the quick fix has to stop and finding fulfillment in the present moment must begin, where whatever you have right now is ‘enough’.

• Do you have a magic number and has it gone up?
• Does your lucky break have to be “sudden” and “huge” and “impressive”?
• Does it cost you more to live than you make?
• Do friends, family or co-workers tease you about the amount of time you spend at work?

If so, you may be a big deal chaser.

The Maintenance Money Drunk

Like the maintenance alcoholic, this type of money drunk is the most subtle and hard to recognize. This individual does a job because it pays the bills. While they appear to be responsible, they are not psychologically present as they grow more bitter or numb from the inability to pursue or even name their own desires. It is the life of quiet desperation, wishing endlessly for things they never take action towards attaining. Instead, they tune out in front of the TV, night after night, tuning out the internal dialogue that whispers discontent. There is a feeling of ‘giving up’ – of powerlessness that can only be medicated by chronic dreaming. The ‘lie’ they pursue is that “next year” I’ll get a better job; I’ll start that course; I’ll go on that vacation….These money drunks are mad as hell underneath and in recovery must fuel that anger from passivity towards positive action.

• Is the pay the only thing I like about my job?
• Does my work conflict with my value system?
• Do I make “home improvements” rather than “life improvements”?
• Do I feel stuck?
• Do I frequently abort plans for new projects?
• Do I often complain about what I might have been?

If some of these are true for you, you may be maintenance money drunk.

The Poverty Addict

With the poverty addict, money is shameful. There is an addiction to self-deprivation which leads to a sense of self-righteousness or a feeling of being virtuous due to the frugal nature of your ways. Many times, this can result from a misinterpretation of spiritual or religious beliefs, where poverty means goodness. It can come from being rewarded early on in life for not needing anything and therefore not putting any additional strain on parents who are already overwhelmed. There is a constant sense of a lack of money and the continual worry and constant complaints that go along with it. The behaviors of a poverty addict reinforce this state – working overtime and not logging it, undercharging for services rendered, giving away what you have and basically, bending over backwards to give others whatever they want, without any expectation of being compensated accordingly. And while there may exist an exterior façade of moral superiority, underlying this is a deep sense of scarcity and low self-worth. The way out is to begin to undo your “financial anorexia” by learning how to give to yourself in a reasonable and satisfying way.

• Do you think there is some virtue in being poor?
• Do you forget to collect the monies owed to you?
• When you have more money, do you spend it on other people instead of yourself?
• Do you underprice your skills or feel guilty about asking people to pay you for your work?

These are just a few questions to ask yourself if you believe you may be a poverty addict.

The Cash Co-Dependent

This is the person who finds herself paying for the extravagances of her money drunk partner. She supplies the money to finance someone else’s big deal chases or compulsive spending. She goes along to get along – sometimes buying into the scheme – thereby enabling the behavior to continue. She is under the mistaken belief – or lie – that her money equals her love. A cash co-dependent has no problem saying no to his own spending – he runs into trouble saying no to her spending. Often, he will get a sense of superiority from this – treating his partner as a child who needs to be taken care of. In reality, it is he who needs to learn self-care.

Cash codependents can be manipulative – rewarding good behavior with a ‘gift’ to soothe the other. They can offer to pay for things that they think the other would benefit from, rather than focusing on their own wants and needs. Recovery involves the ‘selfish’ pursuit of choosing to put their financial needs first and learning how to say ‘no’ to financial caretaking. In this way, self worth can begin to grow as the bitterness and cynicism are healed.

• Are you afraid to say no to your partner about money?
• Do you feel you have to baby-sit his or her spending?
• Do you often complain to friends or family about your partner’s money habits?
• Do you worry about how to protect your own assets in your relationship?
• Do you lie to your partner and tell him or her you have less money than you do?

If any of these fit for you, you may be a cash co-dependent.

Increasing Awareness

The point of summarizing and sharing this information with you is to help bring awareness to how you handle your money during the holiday season. If you could identify with any of this information, you probably understand that money is often used for more than just paying bills – and buying appropriate gifts with what is left. Instead it represents the way to fill our lives with happiness. Like all addictions, money addiction is progressive and has its roots in self-esteem issues. Like all addictions, the solution lies in both abstinence from the behaviors while resolving the underlying emotional issues. The good news, is that all learned behavior can be replaced with new, healthier ways of responding that foster well-being and happiness.

Tracking Holiday Money Habits

Pay attention to your spending over the weeks leading up to the holiday season. Identify the two types that most describe you (for a deeper understanding of the types and the solution, please read Money Drunk, Money Sober, 90 days to financial freedom by Julia Cameron & Mark Bryan). Write about your relationship to money and how you notice you ‘use’ money to help manage emotional discomfort. Keep a journal and write down your feelings associated with your spending. By doing these simply things, you will have begun your journey to recovery from money addiction.

Remember: Giving is not the issue – appropriate giving is an essential part of a well-balanced life. The goal in emotional sobriety is to be financially solvent. Cameron & Bryan define this as a feeling of being comfortable with money – not anxious about it, and not careless with it, either. It is a confident feeling of being prepared for anything life presents us with, of living within our means at all times. With this in mind, you have some new tools for approaching your spending during this holiday season.

Warm wishes for a financially solvent holiday,

Sue Diamond Potts

This newsletter is meant to provide you with information and tips for improving yourself. It is not meant as a substitute for therapy or counselling. Please feel free to forward a copy of Emotional Sobriety Matters (in its’ entirety) to others who may be interested in personal development.

I wanted to thank those of you who gave me feedback about the first newsletter. I’m happy to hear that you found it both timely and useful. I hope this continues to be the case. Today, I’d like to share about a wonderful event I attended recently, as well as continue to explore the qualities of emotional sobriety. In particular in this issue, I’d like to explore the quality of spiritual connectedness. This seems to me to be apropos of this time of year – the “spirit” of the Holiday Season.

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

Let me start by telling you about a talk I attended by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I’m sure many of you have heard about him or even read one of his many books. His last book is titled: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao.
I found him to be very inspiring and his spiritual message to be timeless. I also loved hearing him say how proud he is to be 20 ½ years sober, one day at a time. He has had what many of us would consider a very difficult early life. His father was alcoholic and abandoned his mother shortly after he was born. There were a lot of children and his mother placed him and his brother in an orphanage, where he was to spend his first 10 years. Although he was angry at his father for a very long time, he has come to realize that this experience was essential on his journey to becoming who he is today. He has no regrets or any bitterness. He sobered up at 47 years old. Since then, he has gone on to be a very influential source of spiritual knowledge in the West. His wisdom comes from his teachers who have been realized masters from the East.

Toxic Thinking

Dr. Dyer’s main message is a familiar one to many of us. It is simply that we are spiritual beings first having a human experience, and not human beings who are trying to have a spiritual experience. That may sound like semantics at first glance, but it is much deeper than just a rearranging of words. Wayne talked about the negative impact of early internalized thoughts, which interfere with our knowing this essential truth about ourselves. This is the focus of his new book, “Excuses No More”, which will be released in May 2009. He calls these conditioned beliefs ‘memes’, which the dictionary defines as: “a cultural item that is transmitted by repetition in a manner analogous to the biological transmission of genes”.

I know that I fueled much of my life on these harmful messages acquired in a family environment that was defined by negativity. Some examples of these messages might include, “you’re not good enough”; “no one likes you”; “quit trying to be a big shot;”, “you’re too much to handle”, to name a few. These undermining unconscious messages often come from well-meaning parents and teachers, who are simply passing on what they learned. Unfortunately, if we don’t recognize their toxicity, and work on changing how we think and feel about ourselves and the world, it will keep us from fully realizing all that we truly are.

Overcoming Negativity

What I find hopeful is that many more people today are waking up to the fact that we can be the authors of a new generation of memes. It is when we make a conscious effort to change our negative self talk into a powerful and loving care for ourselves, that the Flow of Universal Intelligence can guide our lives. This means that our responsibility is to reduce the toxicity that we continue to fuel in ourselves by believing and perpetuating the ideas that destroy happiness. This does not mean suppressing our truth.

One of the qualities of emotional sobriety I discussed last month was the ability to communicate and define who you are to others. This means truthful expression of feelings, thoughts, desires, dreams, etc. Denial is not conducive to healing. In fact, we must fully feel in order to be present and awakened. Real spiritual growth comes when we are able to accept what we are experiencing – not push it away or judge it as “bad” or “wrong” – as an expression of the “divine.” The transformation to a deeper connection with life occurs through the love and the care we provide ourselves as we give permission to reconnect with split off parts of ourselves and allow others to witness our vulnerability and support us through the process.

Increasing “Ahimsa”

There a Buddhist and Hindu doctrine – “Ahimsa” – which expresses belief in the sacredness of all living creatures and that urges the avoidance of harm and violence. I love this word – the way it sounds – and I love the idea of non-violence, beginning with ourselves. The Dalai Lama recently claimed that if every child on the planet was encouraged to meditate for one hour a week, we could completely end violence on earth in one generation. So, since each of us was once a child, who has most likely experienced or witnessed violence in some form or another, maybe we could all do our part by meditating at least one hour a week on the principle of Ahimsa.
In doing this, we create an opporunity to bring awareness to the ‘memes’ that we carry that are toxic to our well being. Start by noticing two or three main messages that you say to yourself (especially under times of stress), that are damaging, disparaging or outright acts of violence toward yourself. Some examples might include, “why are you so stupid?” or “don’t be such a wimp.” As you notice them, gently say to yourself, “I’m choosing to practice Ahimsa (non-violence with myself) in this moment.” Then replace this negative self-statement with something positive or neutral like, “I’m doing the best I can,” “Everyone makes mistakes”, or “It’s okay to be human.” This simple concept of Ahimsa can become an ongoing resource, helping you to transform the toxicity you inherited to a more peaceful, spiritual relationship with yourself.

Peace in Practice

As you involve yourself in the cultural or religious Holiday festivities of your choice, set a goal to practice Peace with yourself. This is especially important if you are feeling lonely, sad or disconnected. Acknowledge your feelings, and ask yourself what you can do to make it a little easier, a little more joyful for yourself. Reach out for support – or do something fun, like ice-skating, tobogganing or watching a funny movie. By giving to yourself you can, in a very practical way, remember that you are a spiritual being having a human experience, and while having a human experience can certainly be challenging at times, it can be more successfully navigated with a committment of compassionate caring toward ourselves and our fellows.
Wishing you much peace through the holiday season.

Until next year,

Sue Diamond Potts

This newsletter is meant to provide you with information and tips for improving yourself. It is not meant as a substitute for therapy or counselling. Please feel free to forward a copy of Emotional Sobriety Matters (in its’ entirety) to others who may be interested in personal development.

(this is an article I wrote recently for a holiday blog series for the Couples Institute)

With the holiday season around the corner, the necessity of gift giving is on most of our minds. Many of us feel pressured to provide and ‘prove’ our love for others in a strictly material way. But gift-giving is much more than just spending. If done thoughtfully, it can provide a wonderful emotional, social & spiritual effect on you and your loved ones. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The History of Gift Giving

The history of gift giving stems back a long time in human history, and across most cultures. According to the journal “History Today”, the giving of presents at the midwinter feast almost certainly began as a magical more than as merely a social custom. There were two great pagan festivals at this time of year. The week-long Saturnalia, a Roman winter solstice festival, which began on December 17th. It included feasting, goodwill, generosity to the poor, the exchange of gifts and the decoration of trees. The Kalends, which started on January 1st, greeted the New Year. During Kalends, gifts were ritually exchanged by being tied to the boughs of greenery that decorated houses during the festivities. Most Native cultures have been practicing the social value of gift-giving for thousands of years. Their ‘potlatch’ ceremonies are an example of giving in the extreme. The more you gave, the more you were respected. The respect was due to your generosity, a highly valued spiritual attribute, rather than to the cost of material items given.

The Definition of “Gift”

The actual definition of a ‘gift’ is the transfer of something without the expectation of payment. Although gift-giving might involve an expectation of reciprocity, a gift is meant to be free. The term gift can refer to anything that makes the other happier or less sad, especially as a favor, including forgiveness and kindness.

Acts of Kindness or Big Business?

Somewhere along the way, we lost the true meaning and measure of giving. Gift-giving has become big business in North America. There is social, emotional and financial pressure to ‘get the right gift’ and according to the Centre for a New American Dream, which promotes responsible consumption, four out of five Americans think the holidays are too materialistic (New York Times, 2007).

Breaking Old Patterns

When I was growing up I learned that giving gifts was a quintessential way to show how much you loved someone, with the caveat that the bigger and better the gift, the more you loved. The gift was expected to be both expensive and the exact thing that would thrill the receiver. No pressure at all! I would try desperately to figure out what others were buying so I wouldn’t look like a ‘cheapskate’. Limiting my spending or forgoing gift giving would never have been considered. Going in debt during the holiday season, on the other hand, was a given. I’ve spoken with lots of folks who have similar experiences, some of whom have decided to put their heads in the sand and come up for air once the holiday season is all over.

However, buying out of ‘obligation’ is a trap you can get yourself out of. It does little to enhance the quality of life of you or the other. People who feel obligated to buy, most often get it all wrong. According to a British survey some of the gifts men buy for women that are ‘all wrong’ include: incorrectly fitting underwear, exercise DVD’s, kitchen utensils, cheap jewelry, chocolates, shoes or slippers. The gifts women buy for men that are ‘all wrong’ include: unwanted clothes, gadgets, man bags, jewelry and framed photos. I’m sure most of us have been guilty of this ‘quick fix’ approach at one time or another. Being on the receiving end you may have wondered why on earth they even bothered – you’re never going to use it! In a time of increasing social and global consciousness, this practice is simply wasteful.

Gift-Giving With Meaning

Pull out of the cultural hype of bigger = better and use this gift-giving season to make a meaningful connection to someone who matters while staying within your values and your budget. Give to define your relationships and strengthen your ties to family and friends. Measure your gift-giving in terms of the amount of joy you can spread.

Start by setting a budget. Make a list of the people you want to give gifts to and how much you would like to spend. Keep the list close to you at all times (for easy reference), and do your best to stick to it.

Here are a few ideas for creating wonderful and affordable gifts:

• If you know a family that struggles with finding the time to do things together, get them a family pass to an activity or place that everyone can enjoy.
• Sign up for a yoga or relaxation class with a friend and use this gift as an opportunity to spend time together.
• Get family members to exchange names and agree to homemade gifts with a spending limit. You can sew, paint, carve, build or bake something for each other that won’t set you back financially and will get you thinking about what your family member might enjoy from you. This gift will have special meaning because it came from you.
• Take a family vacation in lieu of expensive gifts.
• Send the same book to a group of friends and start a virtual book club that will keep you connected throughout the year.
• Invite someone you know who has no family to your home for a festive meal.
• Organize a charity drive among people you know to help those less fortune – those that may live close by but are struggling during hard financial times.
• Buy co-operative games for children and spend time playing with them. When I play these games with my grandson we laugh and help each other throughout the game. This is a far cry from the standard competitive games, that often leave him frustrated, sad and feeling like he’s ‘losing’.
• Make “coupons” for your time. Offer your babysitting services for a couple who have small children so they can go out and enjoy time together.
• For Couples – you can design a date that you feel will really make your partner feel special. It doesn’t have to cost a lot, it’s more the fact that you have thought of them and put in the time to do it, that means the most. For example, you can plan a ‘winter picnic’. Get a basket, fill it with food and drink, get a table cloth, some candles and soft music. Spread the table cloth in front of your fireplace or on the living room rug. Hang out together enjoying a romantic and affordable time.

The Rewards are Plenty

Remember that mindful gift-giving has a positive psychological and emotional effect on us. It reinforces our feelings for another person and allows us to communicate that we care. It helps us to share something unique about ourselves and our relationship to others and by doing so, creates a sense of belonging and safety. Whenever we feel safe, our nervous systems can relax and we ‘feel better‘. It’s a scientific fact. As Oprah says, “What delights me most about the holiday season is that people are more open to giving and sharing. And actively thinking about how to spread more joy. There is no better feeling, for sure”. (Oprah.com)

So go ahead, spread more joy, incur less debt and enjoy your holiday gift-giving.

Until next time, I wish you all the best on your journey through life.

Sue Diamond Potts, M.A.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

This newsletter is meant to provide you with information and tips for improving yourself. It is not meant as a substitute for therapy or counselling. Please feel free to forward a copy of Emotional Sobriety Matters (in its’ entirety) to others who may be interested in personal development.