Day 7: Don’t Be a Doormat – But Don’t Pick Fights Either

Posted on December 8, 2019 by goodlife

Day 7 of 12 Days of Emotional Sobriety

Many addicts have extreme and contradictory emotions. Passivity in relationships means you allow yourself to be walked on and later feel used by others. This ‘resentful compliance’ is toxic to emotional sobriety as it leads to a seething resentment that builds over time. Most addicts don’t take responsibility for their part in this dynamic and instead blame the other person for treating them badly. Emotional sobriety means learning to be honest with yourself and others about how you are really feeling. This is something you can deliver in a clear and direct way and with kindness and consideration.

On the other hand, you may have learned to find your power through aggression. Maybe resentment has been festering so long that you can’t hold it in any longer. Maybe you are just doing to others what was done to you growing up. In any event, uncontrollable anger and hostility are traps that keep you stuck in your addictive cycle. It is never acceptable to use anger as an excuse to verbally or physically abuse someone else. Anger is a feeling and has a purpose in helping us to set healthy limits. Abuse is a behavior that is violent in nature. They are two entirely different things.

Tip for Today

Do a spot inventory by writing down any resentments you may have. Make sure you know what caused each one and how they affect you emotionally and spiritually. Once you complete the list, go back through and write down your contribution to each issue, asking yourself how you set the ball into motion.

Next, write down any harms you have caused others by being emotionally inappropriate. Be honest with yourself – look for the self-serving motive that may underlie a misleading surface motive.

Discuss this with your sponsor or spiritual mentor and be willing to take any corrective action to make peace with yourself and others.

Share this with your friends and family who could benefit from 12 tips to keep you emotionally sober this holiday season. Don’t forget to leave a comment below if this resonates with you or if you have tips of your own you’d like to share. See you tomorrow for tip #8!

Warmly,

Day 6: Connect with Your Support Network

Posted on December 7, 2019 by goodlife

Day 6 of 12 Days of Emotional Sobriety

Addiction is a disease of isolation. I can’t stress that fact enough. A lack of emotional sobriety is often caused from a lack of social engagement with others who support your recovery. Many addicts are ‘pseudo-independent’. Pseudo-independence is an adaptive survival strategy, rather than a healthy way of life. It develops because there was insufficient support in our early years. I know it well because I had it. I was proud to admit that, ‘I can do life alone, thank you very much’. It’s why asking for help seems like a sign of weakness, rather than strength. This maladaptive belief trips up every addict in early recovery unless they are willing to challenge this ‘old idea’.

Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a community to heal an addict. Neuroscientific research has shown that connection is the most powerful antidote to overcoming addiction. When our primary attachment relationship is to a bottle, a pill or a device, rather than to another loving human being, we are incredibly lonely and profoundly out of sync with what is best for us. Our task in recovery is to get ourselves into a group of like-minded people who understand and have found a solution to our problem. Within that group, we need to select one person who we are willing to tell everything to. Going it alone will not suffice. It’ a recipe back to relapse.

Tip for Today

Think of the saying: “The power of the wolf is the pack and the power of the pack is the wolf”. What does it mean to you? What can you do today to strengthen this in your own life? In the hierarchy of human relationships, interdependence is the goal. That means that you can stand on your own two feet and you can lean on others. If wolves can figure that out, surely we can too! Find a way to practice interdependence today with someone you trust. You could: tell them something you have been keeping secret about yourself; ask for help; let them know how much they mean to you. During this holiday season, give the gift of authenticity, vulnerability and transparency in your quest for greater emotional health.

Warmly,

Day 5: Strengthen Boundaries

Posted on December 7, 2019 by goodlife

Day 5 of 12 Days of Emotional Sobriety

Having strong emotional boundaries means knowing yourself – where you stop and others start. So many addicts get caught up in ‘emotional contagion’ – a concept that describes how you get sucked into someone else’s mood. Through this process, you merge into an unhealthy symbiosis. Let’s say your spouse comes home after a tough day and although you had a great day and you were feeling happy, as soon as you hear she is in a bad mood, you immediately begin to feel the same. This is different from ’empathy’ which develops from healthy differentiation.

Having strong boundaries means holding on to your truth and getting curious about someone else’s experience, especially when it is different from your own. Contrary to what you may have learned growing up, there is no ‘one size fits all’ when it comes to human beings. While variety may be the spice of life, an inability to tolerate differences, makes life feel unbearable.

Some of us have never contemplated the fact that “no” is a complete sentence. The idea that our value and worth as a friend and/or confidante demands that we be ‘all things to all people’, blurs our boundaries. Life ought to be a choice, not a burden. Make sure you are staying within the bounds of acceptable choices, that support your emotional sobriety.

Tip for Today
Remember a time when you got sucked into someone else’s negative feelings. See yourself holding up a see-through shield that allows you to stay both protected and connected with your own good mood. Imagine saying to the person, “I’m sorry you are feeling that way. Do you want to talk about it?” As you imagine the discussion, keep holding the shield and stay connected to your own self, allowing the other person to have their feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they seem. Next, remember a time when you said ‘yes’ and you meant ‘no’. Replay the scenario with your shield in place and imagine being true to yourself, with a kind but firm authority. Imagine the other person respecting you for it. Do this with as many examples as you can; feel the inner strength it creates when you build pathways for strong boundaries.

Warmly,

Day 4: Strenghten your Good, Intelligent Habits

Posted on December 5, 2019 by goodlife

Day 4 of 12 Days of Emotional Sobriety

Addiction can be thought of as a destructive habit that continues despite the negative consequences it creates. It’s possible to change addictive habits but it requires commitment and ongoing effort to find a healthy balance in life. I once heard it said that if you stop drinking without replacing it with something better it would be as painful as watching paint dry. Boredom sets in quickly and drinking becomes a good option. Those who struggle with relapse often lack a solid set of good intelligent habits that replace the multitudes of behaviours that supported and justified their addiction.

It’s so important to have a routine of positive habits to replace the negative lifestyle of addiction. Whether that involved criminality or just plain laziness when it came to showing up for life, emotional sobriety is about cultivating inner peace & usefulness. This is a lifelong process and starts with each new day and each new challenge.

Many addicts grew up in families that created negative beliefs about themselves and the world. This negativity translates into self-loathing, self-doubt, learned helplessness and a loss of hope. These attitudes and outlooks on life are part of the addictive habit. Being committed to challenging and changing your limiting self-talk, is the first step to creating a solid foundation of good, intelligent habit formation. This will be followed in action by healthy, life-sustaining activities, that give back to the world in meaningful ways.

Tip for Today
Challenge yourself to a 24-hour ‘negativity fast’. This will require a great deal of attention to your thoughts and feelings. Having a negative thought or feeling is not the problem – giving it energy by embellishing it as truth is the problem. Each time you think negatively of yourself or someone else, quickly replace it with “I chose love today” or, “I suspend judgement for now”, or whatever sounds like a simple, positive antidote in the moment. Then immediately decide to do something useful. It could be attending to a chore, or calling a friend who is going through a tough time or taking care of some outstanding business. Make a conscious effort to lay down good, intelligent pathways for health. Emotional sobriety is an inside job – that gets manifested in your (outside) world.

There is no better time than the holiday season to create a positive habit of giving to others, to help yourself and your emotional recovery.

Warmly,

Day 3: Structure Your Time and Energy Wisely

Posted on December 4, 2019 by goodlife

Day 3 of 12 Days of Emotional Sobriety

I did a test a few years ago that confirmed that I have a personality that “abhors routine”. I chuckled thinking that in my addiction that looked like total chaos! In recovery, it can become a lack of structure. We all know how common the diagnosis for A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder) has become. I think of myself and so many other addicts I know and how we all could have been (and maybe still could be) diagnosed this way. A lack of structure and discipline can lead to an ongoing sense of confusion and turmoil, long into recovery.

All successful people have routines and structure. I have a morning routine that I am pretty committed to, that allows me to start my day in a positive and mindful way. I plan what I will do with my ‘free time’ based on what feeds my soul and creates something of value in my life. In contrast, if we jump from one thing to another, in hopes of fitting in or because we don’t want to be alone, we lack the discipline to make good decisions that enhance recovery.

Many addicts are ‘people pleasers’. We do what we think others want us to do, and lack an internal GPS system to know and respond to what we want ourselves. We are busy filling up our calendars with events that help us feel wanted – often at the expense of getting what is needed to be done. This is especially true if what we need to get done isn’t something we ‘like’ to do. Our denial kicks in and we procrastinate and distract ad infinitum.

I’ve had to learn that discipline and routine are now a part of my new personality. I still like to break up the routine when I can, to keep my addicted brain happy, but I mostly know what I must do, and I plan my days and weeks accordingly. I stay connected to myself, I take 100% responsibility for the choices I’m making and I preserve my precious time and energy for the things that are both the most important (life responsibilities) and most enjoyable (a life worth living). The holiday season is a time of increased parties and invitations. Make sure that you are not moving into a chaotic spiral that is leaving you depleted rather than energized.

Tip for Today

Get your calendar out and look to the week ahead. Give yourself permission to structure your week, making it a priority to support your emotional sobriety. This might include: showing up for work (if you have a job), looking for work (if you don’t), daily household tasks (cooking, cleaning), time with friends/loved ones, time spent in recovery activities, quality time with yourself (take yourself on a date), prayer and meditation, reading books that stimulate your mind, learning, & shopping for the week. See if you can conscientiously decide to make the most of your time and energy and then watch how successful you are in following through without distractions. You will become more self-aware of what, if anything, trips you up and you can then adjust accordingly.

Warmly,

Day 2: Take 100% Responsibility for your Decisions and Attitudes

Posted on December 3, 2019 by goodlife

Day 2 of 12 Days of Emotional Sobriety

One of the common emotional deficits that alcoholic/addicts face is the tendency to blame others for their own errors or slip-ups. Sometimes we do this without even knowing, because we lack self-awareness. When we are not taking 100% responsibility, we get self-protective and push back against those who may be unhappy with our behaviour. Often I hear, “I knew it was wrong to get defensive as soon as I said it, but I couldn’t admit it.”

It’s obvious that one of the biggest blocks to overcome in being responsible is the swallowing of our pride. Pride is the opposite of humility (which is different from humiliation – and it’s too bad that these two words, that have such different meanings, sound so much alike).

Humility is the characteristic that defines a higher aspiration for ourselves. The world’s greatest teachers and mentors model high degrees of humility. It’s what makes them great. Humility is what shows the world that you are ok with you and at the same time, you are striving to be better.

Our attitude adjustment has two main components: redirecting our negative thinking to positive thinking in effortful ongoing ways, and recognizing that pride and ego are the culprits that prevent the ongoing growth of our emotional sobriety.

Tip for Today

If you do something that hurts someone in even a small way; or if someone tells you something about yourself that is hard to hear, try taking a big swallow (literally) and tell yourself, “I’m swallowing my pride and ego at this moment that wants to prove them wrong”, and simply say, “I’m sorry I hurt you. Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

Trust me, just saying that alone will make a huge difference. Staying current each day by cleaning up any wreckage you may have intentionally or unintentionally caused, will enhance your emotional sobriety enormously.

Warmly,