Could you use more happiness in your life? I’m Sue Diamond Potts and I recently learned what factors are involved in the lives of the happiest people in the world. It may surprise you to find out it’s not what most people are chasing after. If you are someone who has struggled with depression, anxiety or relationship distress, chances are you could benefit from knowing what things you can do to develop a happier life.

Happiness varies

My happiness has been all over the map throughout my life. I believe I was born pretty happy (but then I think most of us are, quite frankly). Due to circumstances beyond my control I had quite an unhappy childhood and adolescence. Like most kids in homes where there is addiction and/or violence, life events blew happiness out the door. I didn’t know much about having fun outside of high risk behaviour that shot my adrenaline way up.

I became a mother early in life so I had to grow up fast. I worried a lot as a young adult and often made bad decisions that led to more worry. ‘Anxious’ was my middle name as I fretted about making ends meet financially or about why the last relationship didn’t work out – again.

Eventually, I began my healing journey which, while long and arduous, resulted in my happiness factor increasing significantly. I dealt with my addiction to drugs and alcohol and went back to school so I could follow my passion and earn a decent income. Fast forward to today and all of these efforts mean that I now live a life full of purpose, contentment and yes, much happiness.

If I were to graph my happiness on a timeline – it would have started high, sunk very low for a time and then gradually increased to somewhere off the chart.

Positive psychology and your happiness

Recently I heard some research in the positive psychology field shared by neuroscientist Susan Pierce Thompson. This data is from studies with what are considered the happiest people in the world. It confirms that my current state of happiness is because I’m doing a lot of things right. As I studied these factors, I also saw that there were ways I could improve my life and set better goals for even more happiness.

It became clear to me that all of us can make better choices that lead us towards what some people boldly state is our purpose in life: to be happy!

Here are the 7 keys to happiness found by researchers in the positive psychology field

 

7.  Ambition:  it turns out that striving makes some people happy.  It is a personality trait called ‘achievement orientation’ and involves hobbies, intellectual growth, etc. If this applies to you then “excellence’ matters and you have a drive to continually challenge yourself.  The Latin term for this is “meliora”, which means, ‘ever-better’. 

Going on Retreat

At the end of August each year I attend a 2-week meditation retreat. This is an important time for me to exit from my busy life and look inward and upward for direction in my life.  There is a large group of us who congregate at these events and we generally like each other’s company a lot.  We have time to socialize in the morning over coffee (@ 5:30 am) prior to practice, and we work together during the daytime breaks, creating a sense of community and personal usefulness for being of service.

But the most important part takes place during the 3 meditation sessions each day, which can last from 2 – 5 hours in length. As we are guided by our Guru to connect more and more with the power, peace and knowledge that exists within, all sorts of insights, memories, insecurities and competencies are revealed. Studying ancient Eastern spirituality gives a refreshing perspective that can provide a rudder and a search light in life.  It allows each of us to recognize we are much more than our physical self or our so-called material or professional success. This opens up new ways of being in the world that for me, are much more meaningful.

Life comes with a healthy dose of suffering for most of us. Survival often means putting up our guards and moving on, never really resolving or making peace with the hurt and/or anger. During meditation I get an uninterrupted opportunity to pull down the zipper on my defenses and begin to embrace parts of myself that are normally drowned out by the noise of everyday life.

Taking Time to Look Within

Growing up I learned not think too highly of myself because it was considered arrogant – “full of myself”.  I learned that any real success came with a price tag – the danger of losing those who could not or would not dare to risk, like I was willing to. The benefit of looking within is the opportunity to heal old messages that can damage self esteem and cripple our significant relationships.  I had one such message surface, totally unexpectedly one day.

Here’s what happened.  My mind began to wander onto a presentation I was planning for my Master Mentoring group, based on something I was “proud” of.  I knew what I wanted to do and I was letting myself play with some ideas about it. Then, suddenly – like a great white shark torpedoing out of the depths of the darkness – came this immense sorrow. I was crying as I “remembered” how embarrassed I was made to feel for being “too big for my britches”.  As hard as it is to make sense of, it was not ok to be too happy, too smart or too proud of my accomplishments.  An environment where achieving 98% on a test was not enough, leaves little room for feeling good about one’s self or for building on one’s success. I know I’m not alone when I talk about the shaming I endured for wanting more from life. I’ve talked to so many others who have had similar experiences to this.

Transforming Pain

I embraced this ‘feeling memory’ that surfaced and created a loving acceptance that despite all the years of therapy I have done, there was still residual pain around this issue. Transforming pain begins with the conscious awareness that it exists.  Only then can we pledge to disentangle the pain of the past from the life we chose in the present.  Our present can be full of success and proud and grateful moments – only if we can allow it. We can only allow it if we are not running on old limiting beliefs about our worthiness.

The greatest gift we get from creating time and space to go inward is the ability to access the wisdom that is already there – to “know” that we really do have everything we are seeking externally, within ourselves. That’s why I love “The 4 Agreements” – that small but powerful book written by Don Miguel Ruiz.  He has summed up how to keep our focus on what matters – bringing our best qualities forward. By developing this awareness, we can live a good life based on sound principles. 

I think when Ruiz wrote his book, he was offering us a recipe for accessing the best of ourselves that is lying dormant within.

The 4 Agreements are:

1. Be impeccable with you word.  This means to speak truthfully but also do so in a way that does not hurt others.
2. Don’t take anything personally. This means that you begin to separate yourself out from what others say and do and recognize that it is a projection of their inner world.  As Ruiz says, “when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
3. Don’t make assumptions. This means that we have to develop a curiosity about others that allows us to ask good questions and get to know someone without believing that we can or should know. If you think about, the only way you would know is by ‘assuming’ the other was ‘just like you’ as you are your only point of reference.
4. Always do your best. This means you accept that on any given day all you can and must ask of yourself is to show up and make an effort. It doesn’t mean you are always going to be “on” and in fact, the real test comes when you can allow the flow of energy within to guide you.  Some days you may have tons of energy and others very little. In the former, you get a lot done, in the latter, you learn to take time to rest. This is what it means to be your best.

Putting it in Practice

If this is important to you, see if you can make some time and space in your busy life to challenge yourself to apply one of the 4 agreements each day.  Put your focus on this task without being hard on yourself in any way, or setting your expectations too high. Know that if you begin to bring awareness to how you are being more of who you aspire to be; this is who you will become. Feel free to leave a comment letting us know about your success. 

Next time, I’ll send out a follow up that focuses on how we can use the 4 agreements in our relationships.

Until then, I wish all the best in you from the best in me,

On our last post, we touched on the fact many couples wait until after they are married or until their relationship is falling apart to seek help. In fact, according to Dr. John Gottman, many couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before they seek help.

Marriage counselling can be an asset to most couples, especially very early on in your relationship.

For those wondering if they should be seeking help, but are not ready to reach out to a professional yet, we recommended spending time asking each other some important questions from Eleanor Standford’s ’13 Questions To Ask Before Getting Married’ (as published in The New York Times on March 24, 2016).

We hope you enjoyed asking each other the first three questions and finding more about each other.

And now, here are the last 10: 

4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?

If two people come from different religious backgrounds, is each going to pursue his or her own religious affiliation? Dr. Scuka has worked with couples on encouraging honest discussion around this issue as the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. What is more, spouses are especially likely to experience conflict over religious traditions when children are added to the mix, according to Dr. Wilcox. If the couple decide to have children, they must ask how thechildren’s religious education will be handled. It is better to have a plan, he said.

5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?

It’s important to know how your partner feels about financial self-sufficiency and whether he or she expects you to keep your resources separate, said Frederick Hertz, a divorce lawyer. Disclosing debts is very important. Equally, if there is a serious discrepancy between your incomeand your partner’s, Dr. Scuka recommended creating a basic budget according to proportional incomes. Many couples fail to discuss sharing finances, though it is crucial, he said.

6. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?

Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of financial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator, according to Mr. Hertz. Couples can also frame this question around what they spend reckless amounts of money on, he said.

7. Can you deal with my doing things without you?

Going into marriage, many people hope to keep their autonomy in certain areas of their life at the same time they are building a partnership with their spouse, according to Seth Eisenberg, the president of Pairs (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). This means they may be unwilling to share hobbies or friends, and this can lead to tension and feelings of rejection if it isn’t discussed. Couples may also have different expectations as to what “privacy” means, added Dr. Klein, and that should be discussed, too. Dr. Wilcox suggested asking your partner when he or shemost needs to be alone.

8. Do welike each other’s parents?

As long as you and your partner present a united front, having a bad relationship with your in-laws can be manageable, Dr. Scuka said. But if a spouse is not willing to address the issue with his or her parents, it can bode very poorly for the long-term health of the relationship, he said. At the same time, Dr. Pearson said, considering the strengths and weaknesses of your parents can illuminate future patterns of attachment or distancing in your own relationship.

9. How important is sex to you?

Couples today expect to remain sexually excited by their spouse, anexpectation that did not exist in the past, according to Mr. Eisenberg. A healthy relationship will include discussion of what partners enjoy about sex as well as how often they expect to have it, Dr. Klein said. If people are looking to experience different things through sex — pleasure versus feeling young, for example — some negotiation may be required to ensure both partners remain satisfied.

10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?

Dr. Klein said couples should discuss their attitudes about pornography,flirting and expectations for sexual exclusivity. A couple’s agreement on behavior in this area can, and most likely will, change down the line, he said, but it is good to set the tone early on so both partners are comfortable discussing it. Ideally, sexual exclusivity should be talked about in the same way as other day-to-day concerns, so that problems can be dealt withbefore a partner becomes angry, he said. Dr. Pearson suggested asking your partner outright for his or her views on pornography. Couples are often too scared to ask about this early in the relationship, but he has frequently seen it become a point of tension down the line, he said.

11. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?

Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages,” introduced this means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. Ms. Martinez hands her premarriage clients a list of the five love languages: affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. She asks them to mark their primary and secondary languages and what they think is their partner’s, and discuss them. Mr. Eisenberg said that a couple needs to work out how to nurture the relationship, in a way specific to them.

12. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?

Can you imagine the challenges ever outweighing the admiration? If so, what would you do? Anne Klaeysen, a leader of the New York Society for Ethical Culture, said that couples rarely consider that second question. Ideally, marriage is a life commitment, she said, and it’s not enough to just “click together,” as many couples describe their relationship. A marriage must go deeper than that original “click.”

13. How do you see us 10 years from now?

Keeping the answer to this question in mind can help a couple deal with current conflict as they work toward their ultimate relationship goals, according to Mr. Eisenberg.

Dr. Wilcox said this discussion could also be an opportunity to raise the question of whether each partner will consider divorce if the relationship deteriorates, or whether they expect marriage to be for life, come what may.

Let us know what you discover after discussing the last questions. We look forward to know what you think!

As always, if you or anyone you know is struggling in their relationship and are ready to take action towards transforming pain and discomfort into joyful curiosity, please don’t hesitate to contact us. We are here to help.

Wishing you all the best,

References: https://www.gottman.com/
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/03/23/fashion/weddings/marriage-questions.html?_r=0

Illustrations:
Julia Rottman for The New York Times

As Father’s Day approaches, I wanted to share about the men I help and the problems they want to overcome. While research shows that boys, generally speaking, tend not to be as relationally focused as girls, the real question is how much of this is nature and how much is nurture? I believe the real damage to many men’s ongoing emotional connection to themselves and others comes from their socialization as boys.

When I spend time with my 10-year-old grandson, it is clear to me that he feels just as much as any girl his age.  He cries when he’s sad and trembles when he’s afraid and gets lonely when no one is paying attention to him. I also watch him want to hide those feelings. The message that so many men have received as boys is that it’s not ‘manly’ to feel, let alone long for connection.  So they become emotionally absent and silent in their relationships, cut off from their own tender feelings and desires. I see many men in my practice who are disconnected and out of touch with how much their absence is hurting the people closest to them.

Men are still glorified in Hollywood movies to be strong heroes, the provider who rarely shows vulnerability. This role probably had evolutionary significance – to protect and fight for the survival of one’s offspring.  But this archetype/stereotype is no longer fitting and it gets in the way of men becoming the type of dads who can be consistently relied upon to be present – physically and emotionally.  This Father’s Day, I’d like to open the conversation about gender roles and how we can redefine what it means to be a ‘strong’ man.

Traditionally, society has viewed women as being emotionally sensitive and of primary importance when it comes to influencing children. I believe that’s why the majority of clients come into therapy holding their mothers disproportionately responsible for everything that went wrong in childhood. Very few focus on the role that the absent and/or stern father played in their development.

The interesting fact is that men are as capable as women of being emotionally attuned.  In fact, in a study in the UK in 2014, researches found men to be more emotionally sensitive than women, although they are much better at hiding it.

“This study suggests that men feel emotion just as much as women, sometimes more strongly, but are less willing to express these emotions openly due to expectations put on them by society.” *

Fatherhood is one of the events that can radically change a man’s life. Apparently it also changes his brain, releasing hormones and activating regions that provide what researchers call a “baby sense” that’s often attributed only to moms. ** In other words, it appears that when men decide to become actively engaged with their children from an early age, they can acquire the ability to be open, receptive, empathic and emotionally attuned, even if they didn’t receive this type of early modelling.

We want to celebrate men in a new way, outside of old, outdated gender roles and stereotypes of the ‘tough guy’.  Most men I see who are serious about building healthier relationships and who want to stop hurting the people closest to them through their absence, want the ability to be fully emotionally present.  Let’s redefine what it means to be a “tough guy” as someone who is brave enough to be caring, compassionate and emotionally expressive of all his feelings.

Let’s celebrate Fathers with Feelings this Father’s Day and support all the boys and men in our lives to feel more deeply as a sign of real strength.

Here is a link to a wonderful article on this topic and below are the links to other research sited in this article.  

If you or someone you know or love is struggling with addiction, trauma or relationship problems don’t hesitate to contact us.  We are here for you.

Please feel free to leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you.

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* http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/father-s-day-2014-study-shows-men-are-more-emotionally-sensitive-than-women-they-re-just-also-better-9532945.html

** http://www.livescience.com/46322-fatherhood-changes- brain.html#sthash.xU3OPsY8.dpuf