Lies Your Mind Will Tell You

Posted on July 7, 2026 by goodlife

I’ve been discussing how addiction is a neurophysiological reality and people who are wired this way must accept that they are wired differently than others. If that were the end of the story, if we just stopped, then our problem would be solved. Right? Then why is it so hard for so many to stay stopped? I mean, once the fun has long gone out of our addiction, and we are hurting ourselves and the people around us, why can’t we simply quit and be done with it.

Well, quite simply because of the addictive mind. And the way it loves to lie to us.

The truth is that it is our mind that leads us back to our addiction over and over again, not our body.

Most people don’t understand how the mind is affected by addiction. The research indicates that generally speaking, most addicts have a very distorted view of the world which is negative in nature. On the whole, we suffer from low self-esteem, enormous self-loathing, a view of the world as the glass half empty. We are critical, judgmental, and often feel hard done by.

When I first got clean & sober I would have been happy with a goal of ‘low’ self-esteem because I had ‘no’ self-esteem. I compared myself to people around me and believed I just wasn’t good enough; that somehow others had the tools and skills for living life that I had missed out on. I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Like most kids who grew up with alcoholism, I would tell myself things like ‘If people really knew who I was, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me.

I believed at my core that there was something wrong with me – I was inherently flawed. My mind was fragile. It was difficult to get stability in terms of any positive way to look at myself or the world. I didn’t understand that these negative perceptions and thoughts of myself and the world were part of my addiction.

There is emotional pain that accompanies a mind that is that dark and gloomy. My mind knew how to escape – by convincing me that a drink, a drug, some illicit sex, more money or whatever else I am addicted to, will take it all away. It essentially continues to tell me that I don’t have a problem when I clearly do. It erases the memory of past transgressions. It fools me by saying things like, “You weren’t that bad – what are you making such a big deal about?”

My addictive mind will tell me that people don’t care about me and so what does it matter anyway what I do. If I don’t recognize this negative thinking as an inherent part of my addiction that needs to be addressed and treated, I will remain oblivious to why I experience ongoing relapse or why I’ve stopped my addiction but I’m miserable, isolated and full of fear and tension.

Recovery is supposed to feel awesome. But, like most things in life, we have to work for it.

Don’t let your addiction get a hold of you this way. Educate yourself as to how you can turn your negative thinking into a positive outlook on life. You deserve to have the full benefit of recovery which entails mental and emotional sobriety, alongside physical abstinence.

That is my wish for you.

Warmly,

The REAL REASON You Become Addicted

Posted on July 7, 2026 by goodlife

It’s common in recovery circles to talk about ‘hitting your bottom’. It’s important when you have an addiction to grind down to a point where you can fully recognize that you have a problem and you have to do something about it. If you don’t, you will suffer even more serious consequences – be it loss of your job, your health or your family. It seems that it isn’t enough to do it for anyone else, no matter how much you love them. No, you have to want it, for you.

What most people don’t understand is that addiction gets a hold on us, and we lose the power of choice.

And it’s not just for emotional reasons.

It’s a simple explanation to say that women and men cross the line into addiction because they are depressed, lonely, anxious or afraid. That may be the case for some or for some of the time, and certainly, all addiction can be seen for many people to be a form of self-medicating unbearable feeling states.

However, people also over-indulge because they are happy and want to celebrate some event, real or imagined. Or, indeed there could be no particular emotional reason at all.

In “The Science of Addiction”, C. Erickson claims that the real reason people become addicted is that neurophysiologically, addicts are wired differently. They have what he calls “neurotransmitter dysregulation”.

The neurotransmitter in question is dopamine and dopamine tells your brain “I gotta have it…and I gotta have more of it”. This is happening below conscious awareness because it is driven by the ‘survival’ brain.

The survival brain, sometimes referred to as the ‘lizard brain’, does not have words. It’s driven by instinct – the need to stay alive. Now if you think I’m being dramatic, remember, more people are dying right now from drug overdoses at a rate we’ve never seen before.

I’m about to say something unpopular. In fact, if you are an addict who has struggled with coming to terms with your inability to stop, you are probably not going to want to hear this.

But here goes: If you are wired for addiction (and by the way, there is a genetic component to it) – you will never not have it.

Why is that important for you to know? So you understand why you’ll never be able to safely use your drug of choice.

Once you trigger the dopamine by using, or obsessing, or subjecting yourself to dangerous people and/or places that remind you of your drug of choice, the dysregulation begins.

It starts by ‘flooding’ your brain with the euphoria that quickly leads you out of control. It will get more of whatever it needs, regardless of what your rational self thinks, feels or wants.

…because survival will always trump everything else, including a good meal, an important work deadline, or even your loved ones.

Most addicts attempt for years to enjoy and control their addiction and are often baffled as to why they lack the power to stop when they want to stop more than anything. Or they watch other people around them (who don’t have a brain that is susceptible to addiction) do it without difficulty and believe they can follow suit.

Only to fall flat one more time.

I remember clearly how baffling it was when I wanted to quit using drugs and alcohol and couldn’t do it. I used to watch colleagues of mine, people I admired, drink very little and even use drugs recreationally. As I observed them, I would tell myself to just do what they were doing. Obviously, they were successful in life so their use wasn’t getting in the way.

When I couldn’t mimic their way of life, I felt enormous shame- like a total failure.

“What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do what they’re doing so effortlessly?”

I beat myself up constantly.

And since shame silences – I couldn’t talk about it.

No one could explain to me that I was suffering from a neurophysiological condition that made it impossible for me to do what my ‘normie’ friends were doing. Each time I fed my brain alcohol or drugs, it reinforced its power over me and my choice was removed.

Until and unless I was able to understand and accept this reality, I was doomed to ongoing failure and feelings of hopelessness and despair. Today, I live a life that is, hands down, the best life I could have ever hoped for. Once I accepted that remaining abstinent from my drugs of choice was the necessary foundation, I could begin my healing process and manifest my dreams. I could have a life well worth living.

Warmly,

‘Not Using’ is Not the Same as ‘Being in Recovery’ and Why This Matters

Posted on July 7, 2026 by goodlife

There is a big difference between ‘not using’ and actively working on your recovery.

For many years, I did not appreciate that my addiction was influencing how I thought, how I felt, and how I perceived the world. All of that was negative to begin with because that is the nature of addiction. But, even when not drinking, it was getting worse – or at the very least, it was not getting better.

Here is what the psyche of addiction looks like:

It’s constrictive.

It shuts me down emotionally.

It isolates me from my fellows.

It’s subtle – it creeps up and before I know it my head is telling me “You could have another drink [substitute, whatever gave you the ‘hit’], that would probably be okay. You were making too big a deal of this in the first place.”

Little did I know that I was hanging by a thread and very close to relapse because I was putting absolutely no effort or energy into my recovery. Instead, I was focused on trying to impress people with my position. My ego was on a rampage. I wanted more recognition “Don’t you know who I think I am”.

I was totally out of balance and my focus was ego-driven and completely self-serving.

Only it wasn’t. It was about to take me down again. My addiction is not just about ‘stopping’, it’s about addressing the entire process of addiction that has hijacked my peace of mind, and keeps me on the go, trying to ‘prove’ I’m ok in your eyes.

To feel happy, I believe I must have some kind of purpose as to why I get up every morning and do what I do.

This is more true for people who suffer from addiction than the general population.

It is even truer for entrepreneurs/professionals who suffer from addiction.

“The message had to have depth and weight or it didn’t satisfy us”* and I believe that there are a few reasons:

Many addicts have a tremendous amount of emotional pain they’re trying to medicate with their drug of choice. When you take that away, you must replace it with something that helps you heal and make sense of your suffering.
People who succumb to addiction often do so because of an existential void/gap/dilemma. There is an emptiness inside. We’re looking for answers but get sidetracked through our addiction.
Most addicts live with a tremendous amount of shame – about who they are and what they did. This must be addressed or any success is simply window-dressing.

I hope this gave you some insight into why just stopping your drug of choice is not enough if you want a life of balance and purpose. *

[Quote from the book, “Alcoholics Anonymous”]

Warmly,

A Simple Technique for Ending Disputes with Your Partner

Posted on November 15, 2023 by goodlife

Have you ever said something that came out wrong, or not the way you had intended?

Has your partner ever said something to you that rubbed you the wrong way?

Do you ever wish you could have a do-over? Rewind. Start again. Get better results all around.

The Stop-Replay Exercise developed by the Couples Institute can help you do just that!

It is an opportunity to help you and your partner improve your communication skills; while at the same time, reducing the distress or discomfort in both of you after a negative interaction.

It is an immediately corrective exercise that allows partners to calm down and shift from reactivity to a positive exchange.

This exercise is really a game-changer if:

you and your partner continuously trigger each other. A high level of emotional reactivity in one or both of you means that very little gets resolved. Instead, you keep trying to be heard while both of you are ping-ponging off of each other’s pain points.
if you are in a relationship where it is difficult for you to speak up if you don’t like something your partner says or does.

If you’re willing to take some emotional risks and experiment with this suggestion, this exercise alone can radically change your relationship!

You will be: changing the negative dynamic between you and your partner, reducing the amount of hurt you perpetuate in your relationship, and learning that asking for what you want is healthy and leads you to feel more empowered.

This exercise has become one of my favourite Developmental Model interventions in my couples therapy practice!

Partners have consistently reported positive results and even shared that it can be quite fun.

The breakdown of it goes like this:

Partner A – says something hurtful/offensive etc.

Partner B – Ouch/Stop. Can we replay that? What I would really like to hear is “______________.” (This is a short sentence that Partner B will repeat verbatim. Also note that it is not what I want you to say is___________.)

Example:

Sally: “Ouch that hurt, what I really wanted to hear was, “Of course, I’ll help you clean up the kitchen.”

Repeat 1- Sally – repeats the sentence verbatim.

John: “Of course, I’ll help you clean up the kitchen.”

*Both take a deep breath.*

Repeat 2- Sally – repeats the sentence verbatim.

John: “Of course I’ll help you clean up the kitchen.”

*Both take a deep breath.*

Repeat 3- Sally – repeats the sentence verbatim.

John: “Of course I’ll help you clean up the kitchen.”

*Both take a deep breath.*

(At the end of this exercise, there can be some laughter at the silliness of fighting over this. Or, there can be further discussion. You will know in the moment.)

Important caveats that lead to success in this exercise:

John is not beholden to do what Sally asks him to say – John just needs to say it and understand why Sally would have like to hear this. For example, if Sally wants him to say, “I will buy you a new car.” John does not need to buy a new car. However, in my experience, what one partner wants to hear, is often what the other partner had meant to say initially, or is something they truly feel deep down.

The triple repetition is important because it allows both partners’ nervous systems to settle.

The first iteration can be difficult; the second iteration the clients get settled into it; and the third is often either quite deep and meaningful, or brings both parties to smiles or giggles.

One of the brilliant effects of this exercise is that it teaches couples how their words impact their partner without a direct confrontation.

Over time, couples learn to express themselves differently so that this exercise does not need to be used very often.

It pushes so many capacities in each partner that are necessary for an emotionally healthy relationship. For example: Sally learns to connect with what she wants and to take the risk to say it out loud. She also learns to indirectly ask John to help her calm down by feeding her a line that will soothe her. On the other hand, John learns to give to Sally comfort, even if he disagrees with what she is asking of him. He follows her lead and helps her to calm down because he realizes it will serve him too if they learn to interrupt their negative patterns of either fighting or avoiding conflict. Note- It’s important that both partners initiate this exercise as there are different ways in which growth occurs on each side.

Give it a go and see what you think – you will likely be pleasantly surprised!

If you or someone you know could benefit from couples counselling therapy, feel free to reach out to us. The skills you acquire will benefit you in all your relationships.

Day 12: Cultivate Peace Within & Live in the Moment

Posted on December 12, 2019 by goodlife

Day 12 of 12 Days of Emotional Sobriety

There is no better time than the holidays to cultivate a feeling of peace within. Most people these days are increasingly busy making it a challenge to stay mindful and present to our lives. Peace is defined as “freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety or obsession; a state of tranquility or serenity.” This is a must for addicts who are vulnerable to relapse when ‘restless, irritable and discontent.”

Being peaceful doesn’t mean you have to stay sitting still. Instead, I think of it as an inner shift in the face of our busyness. It’s the way we stay connected to our Highest self, which in turn is connected to the Higher source of knowledge, peace, and power. Becoming skilled at doing this, especially when our lives are full, is what helps us maintain a sense of serenity. For me, it is my daily meditation practice which keeps me centered and calm and ready for each new (busy) day ahead, with all its many challenges.

Living in the moment allows us to generate peace through our attentiveness and acceptance of whatever life is presenting to us. I recently had a friend pass away in a kite surfing accident. He was only 49 years old with a 9-year-old son. It was such an unexpected tragedy. It reminded me, once more, that life is a precious gift that we cannot take for granted. Living each day as if it is our last, reminds us to let go of unnecessary stresses and focus instead on what is most important. Our commitment to pray and/or meditate regularly changes brain patterns which in turn, change our personality patterns – for the better. We learn to show up, even during stressful events and maintain a sense of calm, level-headedness.

Tip for Today

Set aside 5-15 minutes to connect with your inner self. Give yourself permission to put out of your mind all the tasks and stressors for this time. Start by following your breath and imagine it is a calming presence that expands into each of your cells. Imagine that your breath is connecting you with the Source of all power, peace, and knowledge and letting it fill you up, You might notice a sense of “I am connected” or “I am safe”. Let yourself enjoy this state of being for as long as possible. Silently chant ‘I feel peace’ as you continue to feel into your calm state. When finished, go about your day, taking breaks as often as possible to remember to use your chant, ‘I feel peace’, to bring awareness to the calm inner state. Experiment with this process repeatedly to build a new pathway for peace within.

It has been a pleasure to share these 12 tips towards Emotional Sobriety with you over the past 2 weeks. I hope they have been beneficial to you, your loved ones or those who might need them most this holiday season. If you missed a few or would like to read/share them again, you can find them here.

On behalf of The Good Life Therapy Center, I wish you a joyful, peaceful and merry Christmas & New Year.

Warmly,

Day 11: Be of Service to Others

Posted on December 12, 2019 by goodlife

Day 11 of 12 Days of Emotional Sobriety

The third pillar of recovery, after personal recovery and unity with the fellowship, are

acts of service. This takes us out beyond our own self-interest and allows us to, often for the first time in our lives, feel like we have found meaning in life. It’s critical because most people in the throe

s of addiction are ‘takers’. In early recovery, they think that doing things for others “sucks”. I was once told that “if it’s not inconvenient, it’s not service”, and that has helped me adjust my attitude over the years.

There is an undeniable spiritual alchemy that occurs when we give from our hearts without looking for something in return. It’s difficult to put into words. If we pay attention, we’ll notice that we feel uplifted. We feel as though we finally belong because we have something of value to offer. We have discovered a key to happiness.

Saint Frances said it best: “…it is by giving that we receive.”

Acts of service can be large or small. I know a couple who every Christmas anonymously buy other people’s groceries when they are checking out. They watch to see who looks in need, then they let the cashier know they will pay the bill. They set a budget and give in this way. There are also so many ways we can make a difference that don’t cost a cent.

Tip for Today

Think about the days ahead and ask yourself what type of service you could accomplish. Sit quietly and let yourself sense into what feels meaningful to you. Perhaps you want to volunteer your time at a shelter; cook a holiday meal for someone; help a neighbour or friend; or reach out to someone struggling with their recovery. Create a plan to make it happen and follow through. Remember showing up for life and being accountable means taking action. It will result in a sense of emotional maturity and well-being.

Don’t forget to share this with your friends and family who could benefit from 12 tips to keep you emotionally sober this holiday season. See you tomorrow for tip #12!

Warmly,